As scientists continue to investigate why gray whale deaths have spiked up and down the Pacific coast this year, local law enforcement officials confirmed it’s most likely due to a lack of police in the ocean.
“All these bleeding-heart liberals think the way to solve this issue is to get a bunch of eggheads out here using science and long-term research to find and treat root causes of this, when the solution here is actually more simple and obvious: more ocean police,” said Seattle police union President Kent Loux. “Trust me: Guys armed with just a high school diploma, six weeks of police training, and all the guns they want will get to the bottom of all these gray whales washing up on the shore in no time—which should be easy because I think we all know the real culprit here are probably all those transients.”
Asked if it might be more productive to consider how to address research showing the cause of the deaths is likely starvation due to climate change decreasing their Arctic food supply, the police union president said absolutely not.
“No, no and no—and everyone would know that if Socialist Mayor Katie Wilson hadn’t immediately turned down our pitch for ocean police,” Loux said before suddenly firing a few rounds from the ferry dock into the Puget Sound. “Feel safer yet, whales?”
Although skeptical that climate change may be a significant factor, police leaders did agree more ocean ICE is needed to deport any dangerous gray whales from Mexico.
