In supposedly fortunate news after years of union-busting, Starbucks suddenly made a 180 and agreed to all of Starbucks Workers United’s union demands, forcing all of us to drink their coffee again. Fuck!
“We can’t wait to have you back in our stores guilt-free!” said Starbucks Workers United in a statement. “That’s the main reason you all weren’t coming in for our blueberry muffin fraps, right?”
After agreeing to union demands of higher hourly wages and more predictable work schedules, apparently all reasons other than sheer coffee snobbery to not get coffee at Starbucks evaporated overnight and we all have to go there again. Shit!
“I absolutely planned on coming back in for a Wicked ube-matcha cold whipped foam as soon as all union demands were met,” said Seattle resident Mike Hansen as he gagged down the drink to celebrate the union’s victory. “Wait, no, I’m sure there’s some sort of fucked-up international trade practice they’re still doing right? Right? Please let that be true. I’m just going to assume so and clean my palate at Herkimer’s.”
At press time, Starbucks had also shifted to all ethical farming and purchasing practices, restarted its DEI programs, joined the BDS movement, decorated all cafes for Pride Month, made its CEO sell his private jet so he can move within a walkable distance of Seattle headquarters, and is reportedly helping to bring the Sonics back, permanently forcing Seattle to pretend they like Starbucks forevermore. Son of a motherfucking transplant!
