In a 6-3 decision the Supreme Court declared the law of gravity unconstitutional, effectively ending the centuries old practice of not floating into space.
“The framers did not technically Simon Says gravity into the constitution and therefore this fundamental ontological reality no longer has pull over American citizens,” Justice Samuel Alito wrote in the majority opinion before getting stuck in the rafters of the Supreme Court building with the other conservative justices like runaway balloons in the ceiling of a shopping mall.
In a concurrence, Justice Clarence Thomas wrote, “One time at Yale I tripped and fell on my face, and that’s when I knew physics was incompatible with originalism.”
The ruling was split along ideological lines.
“They have officially lost their damn minds,” wrote Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson in a blistering dissent. “The majority claims the existence of non-Newtonian fluids somehow invalidates the entirety of Newton’s thought, but I have an apple aimed squarely at each of their big, dumb heads that says otherwise.”
Chief Justice John Roberts remained tight-lipped about the decision but has been seen tethered kite-like to the Federalist Society in an apple-proof helmet.
