Following the announcement that former President Donald Trump is now indicted on more than 30 counts related to business fraud, the Seattle Police Department has reportedly been flooded with bereavement requests from officers too shaken up to return to the line of duty.
“I don’t know how I’m supposed to collect overtime on a day like today—it feels like I lost my father all over again. I mean my actual dad isn’t dead, he just voted for Biden—same thing,” said SPD Officer Terry Bridges, lowering his Trump 2024 flag to half-mast. “It just makes you question your own mortality, you know? When you’re a rookie, you feel like you’ll have qualified immunity forever, but it’s just chilling to realize that one day you could wake up and discover you’re no longer above the law.”
Seattle Police Chief Adrian Diaz said Bridges was one of dozens of officers requesting time off, leaving the department short-handed and unable to perform basic intimidation around the community.
“This shocking news is really hurting morale around the precinct and we haven’t seen this many leave requests since, oh let me check—looks like the first week of January, 2021,” said Chief Diaz, searching his calendar. “I thought I could cheer everyone up with a few encampment sweeps, but no one was even in the mood to throw away any tents. I’m hoping a few thousand overtime hours working Kraken playoff games will help, but this already feels worse than when they found out Chase from Paw Patrol wasn’t real.”
The mood quickly lifted yesterday, however, after receiving budget approval for new taxpayer-funded armored vehicles they could convoy to New York in time for the arraignment.
