Facing a slew of injuries heading into the final game of the regular season, a desperate Seattle Seahawks head coach Pete Carroll spent game day Sunday morning laying an extensive trail of Skittles leading to CenturyLink Field in hopes of luring the legendary Marshawn Lynch back to the Seahawks’ locker room.
“If we can just get that rascally Running Back in the stadium, I just know he’ll go for 100 yards and a touchdown,” said Pete Carroll, longtime Seahawks head coach. “I’ve got the Skittles leading down Occidental Ave and into the locker room, with a bowl of them under a big box propped up with a stick. Even if I can trap him in the box, it’s going to be tough to get him into his pads. I went to Costco and got a 10-gallon bucket of Skittles though, so I’m confident we’ll be able to get him game ready. I think I’ll even have enough leftover to throw on the field to lead him into the endzone. Once he’s got that sugar rush going it’s just a matter of pointing him in the right direction and Beast Mode will take care of the rest.”
Coach Carroll had reportedly pursued other running back options, but found it difficult to fill the void this late in the season.
“After the injuries to Chris Carson, Rashaad Penny and C.J. Prosise, we were just completely out of running backs,” continued Carroll, holding a small rope attached the the trap while hiding behind a laundry bin while waiting for Lynch to arrive. “We tried throwing the mascot, Blitz, out there for a few plays but he couldn’t really hold the ball in his plush wing flaps, and he was god awful in pass protection, likely because he couldn’t see out of his enormous cartoon head. Macklemore very helpfully volunteered as well but he showed up in this weird leather football helmet and quilted wool pads from the 1920’s. Nick Bosa would fling him into the second row, I can’t have that on my conscience. Looks like it’s Beast Mode to the rescue.”
When asked for comment, Lynch naturally refused to speak with Needling reporters.
