Alex Honnold’s Credibility Questioned After Reports He Uses Ropes in Offseason
Shocking reports from Smith Rock State Park surfaced today after eyewitnesses claimed to have seen legendary free-solo rock climber Alex Honnold using a rope and harness during one of his climbs, potentially ruining his...
Pete Carroll Replaces Gum with Turkey Giblet
Looking to rebound from the recent retirement announcement of his longtime chewing gum, today Seahawks coach and chronic masticator Pete Carroll revealed what’s already being hailed a “super gamey” turkey giblet as his replacement....
Russell Wilson’s Middle Finger Struck Down by God for Flipping Someone Off for First Time Ever
Seahawks quarterback Russell Wilson’s middle finger on his throwing hand was immediately struck down by God Thursday night at Lumen Field when he violated his Christian morals for a split second to flip off...
Seattle Sports Losing Streak Continues After LA Reclaims Worst Arena Title
As if a recent streak of losses for the Seahawks, Kraken and Huskies wasn’t painful enough, Seattle sports fans were reportedly devastated to discover today that Climate Pledge Arena has officially lost its worst...
Sold-out T-Mobile Park Crowd to Go Home with Commemorative Mariners Blue Balls
Although a thrilling week of games ended in elimination from the MLB playoffs Sunday, a sold-out T-Mobile Park crowd of fans didn’t go home empty-handed as they grabbed 2021 Commemorative Mariners Blue Balls on...
Pete Carroll’s Gum to Retire at End of Season
In a move that shocked football fans everywhere, today Seahawks Coach Pete Carroll’s longtime chewing gum, Chewy Bubble-Yum, announced his intent to retire from football and human gums altogether at the end of the...
Fan Cheated of Authentic Mariners Experience After Attending Winning Game
After waiting for more than a year to attend one of their games again at T-Mobile Park last night, Mariners fan Sammy Sandoval said he’s still heartbroken today that he was robbed of an...
Local Hardware Shop Worker Wins Gold in ‘Camper or Murderer?’ Guessing Competition
In a stunning upset against Pacific Supply’s Wyatt Binder, longtime Stoneway Hardware worker Matt Hartaway came away from this year’s Pacific Northwest Olympics Camper or Murderer? guessing event today with his first gold.
“After seeing...
Climate Change Officially Undeniable as Mariners Catch Fire for First Time in Ages
A worldwide consortium of scientists confirmed this morning that climate change is officially undeniable after even the Mariners caught fire for the first time in ages last night.
“Unfortunately, there just isn’t any other way...
Seafair Hydroplane Racers Compete in Virtual Motorboating Event
Despite in-person Seafair events being cancelled by the pandemic for the second year in a row this year, local hydroplane fans were overjoyed to discover racers competing in a virtual motorboating event this weekend...
