‘Valentine’s Day Is Just a Corporate Holiday,’ Says Man Shopping for Super Bowl Party
One of Seattle’s most free-thinking men generously enlightened Broadway QFC staff and customers alike today on the capitalistic evils of Valentine’s Day while picking...
Russell Wilson Stands Outside Pete Carroll’s House with Boombox Overhead
In a stirring moment of brave devotion and vulnerability, today former Seattle franchise quarterback Russell Wilson attempted to reconnect with Pete Carroll outside the...
Epidemiologists Trace Origin of New COVID Subvariant Name ‘Kraken’ to Rabid Canucks Fan
After weeks of investigating the source of the new COVID subvariant name, Kraken, today epidemiologists at the University of Washington confirmed it definitely came...
Macklemore Spotted Lurking Near Climate Pledge Arena Just in Case Kraken Need a Rally Song
With baseball season over and hockey season underway, today local musician Macklemore was spotted lurking near Climate Pledge Arena just in case the Kraken...
Russell Wilson Quietly Hoping There’s Also ‘Denver Freeze’ to Explain Lack of Fans
Following Russell Wilson’s chilly reception to start the Denver chapter of his career, the quarterback is reportedly hoping there’s also a “Denver Freeze” to...
Scientists Predict Ice in Climate Pledge Arena to Melt by End of Season
Just days before the Seattle Kraken’s first regular season home game this Saturday a disturbing new scientific study out today says that the ice...
Quiz: Is It Organ Failure or Did You Just Watch That Mariners Game?
Your knees are weak, there’s an unmistakable taste of bile in your mouth, and your stomach feels like you’ve just eaten a half-dozen questionable...
Fremont Troll Clarifies Kraken Mascot Only Related by Marriage
After the Seattle Kraken unveiled their new mascot, Buoy, was the nephew of the Fremont Troll, the beloved local bridge troll was quick to...
God Clears Schedule to Watch Russell Wilson Smite the Seahawks
Ahead of a Monday Night Football matchup between the Seattle Seahawks and Denver Broncos, God has reportedly cleared his schedule to watch Russell Wilson’s...
Mariners Wear New All-Leather Uniforms to Edge Fans for One Last Day
The Mariners surprised the sold-out crowd at T-Mobile Park today with all-leather home alternate uniforms to better edge their fans’ playoff division series hopes...
