Comforting Sense of Normalcy Returns to Seattle as Mariners Miss Playoffs
Following a tumultuous year for the city of Seattle, a comforting sense of calm and normalcy has returned to the city as the Mariners...
Mariners Succumb to Seattle Kraken
After several days of stormy ups and downs, mariners aboard the Salty Seacod have reportedly succumbed tonight to the unstoppable tentacles of the Seattle...
Underperforming Succulent Relegated to Toilet Decoration
After weeks of hoping for improvement came to no avail, avid Wallingford house-plant recruiter Martin Blanc said he made the difficult choice today to...
Mariners Ready to Pretend Pandemic Only Thing Keeping Fans Away
With hopes that a cancelled season could have been their best yet dashed by a delayed schedule beginning July 24, the Seattle Mariners organization...
Gatesville Named Official Casket Partner of the National Football League
As the NFL forges ahead with its planned regular season, Commissioner Roger Goodell announced today that they have secured a record-breaking sponsorship deal with...
‘Climate Pledge Arena’ Sign Removed After Speaking Out About Climate Change
Mere hours after Amazon announced that they had bought Key Arena and renamed it Climate Pledge Arena, Jeff Bezos announced that the sign was...
Sportsball Fans Excited to Mock Seattle’s New Slappy Disc Team
With the debut of Seattle’s new hockey team name today, the region’s Sportsball fans announced that they have also landed on a new, condescending...
Father-Son Phone Call Enters Record 14th Minute Following First Sports Event in Months
After the cancellation of most sports events nationwide resulted in a disheartening downturn in father-son phone calls, spirits rose again as a recent call...
WWE Confirms Jay the Snake Monday Night Raw Match Against Cold COVID-19
Rumors circulating since President Donald Trump called Washington State Governor Jay Inslee “a snake” Friday are true: Jay the Snake will return to the...
Bar Trivia Team Left Looking for Answers After Season Cancellation
A dedicated bar trivia team of three good friends and five
casual acquaintances, all of whom have unsuccessfully dated each other, say
they’re struggling tonight after...
