Seattle Forced to Drive Portland to Soccer Practice
After recently acquiring a driver’s licence, Seattle is being forced to drive Portland to soccer practice this afternoon.
The news came in from a text message containing three eye-roll emojis sent by Seattle to...
Woodland Park Zoo Announces Spring Yoga with Motherfucking Tigers
It’s time to throw your tired, pedantic yoga instructor in the fucking dumpster and strap on your finest Lululemons because the motherfucking Woodland Park Zoo is relunching its motherfucking yoga classes with live fucking...
Howard Schultz Promises to Move Nation’s Capital to Oklahoma City if Elected President
As Howard Schultz continues to promote an independent presidential bid, the former Starbucks CEO is already promising to get the nation’s Capitol out of the swamp and into Oklahoma City.
"If there’s one thing I learned...
Area Bicyclist Has Opinions on Fairweather Bicyclists
West Seattle resident Brian Simmons, who bikes to downtown Seattle and back every day rain or shine, reportedly has opinions about fair-weather bicyclists.
“You know it’s nice that more people are riding bikes during the...
Local Skater Wears Helmet, Blows Rep
Local skater Trent Stevens was devastated tonight to discover a reputation he’d worked tirelessly on since Summer ‘07 has been decimated by multiple witnesses reporting they saw him don a maroon helmet.
The decision...
Little League Teams Destroy Chihuly Museum
Seattle Center officials were reportedly huffing Windex when they invited the 2018 Little League Baseball Seattle Championship Game teams to an off-season rematch on a grass field next to the Chihuly Garden and Glass...
Newest Seattle Sports Franchise to Sell Apparel Only
In a move long seen coming by both Seattle sports fans and apparel industry insiders, Seattle’s latest major sports franchise will field no team whatsoever.
The team, tentatively named the Salish Mudsharks, will exist...
Archie McPhee Shuttered After Police Uncover Rubber Chicken Fighting Ring
Authorities have shut down Archie McPhee after a six-month police investigation found the local plastic tchotchke dealer was actually a front for a rubber chicken fighting ring. In an early morning raid, police SWAT...
13th Man Making Things Awkward at CenturyLink Field Date
A highly anticipated date between Darren Skinner and Katie Weiss at CenturyLink Field turned awkward as a drunken fan claiming to be the “13th man” screeched at them for no reason in between plays....
Ballard voter beats 8 p.m. buzzer with last-second ballot dunk
In an unforgettable match-up against a host of all-star inner demons -- including procrastination, cynicism, apathy, hopelessness and perfectionism -- Ballard resident Ben Kemp slam-dunked his ballot into a King County Elections drop-off box...
