Puppy Bowl Star Ejected for Unnecessary Ruffness After Illegal Snoot-to-Snoot Contact
Controversy has marred the annual Puppy Bowl today after Linebarker Vontaze Barkfict was ejected for a late hit on Snifferback Pup Hamilton that resulted in an illegal snoot-to-snoot contact penalty.
“We have a zero tolerance...
Gov. Inslee Updates COVID Guidelines to Mandate Aaron Donald Must Stay 6 Feet From Russell Wilson
Ahead of today’s wild-card matchup between the Seattle Seahawks and the Los Angeles Rams, Governor Jay Inslee made a surprise announcement that he would be updating the state’s COVID-19 guidelines to mandate that Rams...
Reproductive Rights ‘Not My Fight,’ Says Man Obsessed with Sports Rivalry in Distant State
After his girlfriend pleaded him to make sure his family back in Pennsylvania votes early for candidates who protect women’s reproductive rights, Pittsburgh Steelers fan Tom Mickelson confirmed that’s not his fight, especially with...
Comforting Sense of Normalcy Returns to Seattle as Mariners Miss Playoffs
Following a tumultuous year for the city of Seattle, a comforting sense of calm and normalcy has returned to the city as the Mariners continued their playoff drought for the 19th straight year.
“In a...
Mariners Succumb to Seattle Kraken
After several days of stormy ups and downs, mariners aboard the Salty Seacod have reportedly succumbed tonight to the unstoppable tentacles of the Seattle Kraken.
“Ay, she blindsided and sank us faster than a Seattle...
Underperforming Succulent Relegated to Toilet Decoration
After weeks of hoping for improvement came to no avail, avid Wallingford house-plant recruiter Martin Blanc said he made the difficult choice today to bench his living room line-up's once prized Aloe Brevifolia to...
Mariners Ready to Pretend Pandemic Only Thing Keeping Fans Away
With hopes that a cancelled season could have been their best yet dashed by a delayed schedule beginning July 24, the Seattle Mariners organization said they’re fully prepared to pretend the pandemic is the...
Gatesville Named Official Casket Partner of the National Football League
As the NFL forges ahead with its planned regular season, Commissioner Roger Goodell announced today that they have secured a record-breaking sponsorship deal with Gatesville as the official casket partner of the National Football...
‘Climate Pledge Arena’ Sign Removed After Speaking Out About Climate Change
Mere hours after Amazon announced that they had bought Key Arena and renamed it Climate Pledge Arena, Jeff Bezos announced that the sign was to be dismantled for violating the tech company’s long-standing policy...
Sportsball Fans Excited to Mock Seattle’s New Slappy Disc Team
With the debut of Seattle’s new hockey team name today, the region’s Sportsball fans announced that they have also landed on a new, condescending name for entire sport and are excited to begin mocking...
