Washingtonians Look Forward to Final Ski Season
Today Washington residents say they’re absolutely stoked for the state’s final ski season before the entirety of humanity inevitably spirals into the fiery depths of climate apocalypse hell that is absolutely coming for us...
New Haunted Seattle Tour Guides Visitors Through Mariners Dugout
As of this week, fans of cryptic local history don’t always have to head down to Pike Place Market, Bill Speidel’s Underground Tour or Amazon headquarters for a spooky haunted tour anymore.“Welcome to the...
Dozens Scalded After Mariners ‘Pumpkin Spice Latte from Heaven’ Promo Goes Wrong
Dozens of Mariners fans were reportedly injured today during a Starbucks-sponsored spin on the popular "Hot Dogs from Heaven" promo after a parachute malfunction caused piping hot Pumpkin Spice Lattes to rain down on...
Mariners Trophy Case Running Out of Room for Participation Trophies
After another fun baseball season of doing their best, the Mariners trophy case has reportedly completely run out of room for participation trophies.
“Do you think they’d notice if we throw a few of the...
Mariners Ask Macklemore After His ‘F- America’ Comment to Be Less Divisive Like Team Sponsor Boeing
Under pressure to condemn local sports super-fan and world-famous rapper Macklemore after he said ‘F- America’ at the Palestine Will Live Forever concert Saturday, this week the Mariners released a statement asking him to...
Mariners Announce Randy Johnson to Be Named Interim Moose
In a continual effort to remind the city that 1995 happened, today the Mariners announced that former pitcher Randy Johnson will be taking on the role of Moose for the foreseeable future.
“We thank Mortimer...
Mariners Announce Plans to Drop Out of Season
Following a catastrophic performance against the Los Angeles Angels, the Seattle Mariners announced today that they plan to bow out of this season’s pennant race.
“Nothing can get in the way of saving the AL...
Report: World Cup Games Slated to Be Played in Seattle Will Now Be Filmed in Vancouver
While the world is distracted by the Paris Olympic games beginning this week, today FIFA quietly announced that the six 2026 World Cup games slated to played in Seattle will now be filmed in...
Millions of French People Already Bored of Olympics
As the 2024 Summer Olympics kicked off today with its opening ceremonies featuring exciting celebrities like Lady Gaga and Snoop Dogg alongside the world’s most talented athletes, millions of French people formally announced they...
Seattle Mariners Apologize for ‘Geoduck Run’ Mascot Race
Although it had initially hoped to capitalize on the success of their new “Salmon Run” race with another sea-animal themed sprint, today the Seattle Mariners formally apologized for mistakenly thinking its Geoduck Run would...
