Mariners Marketing Dept. Too Nervous to Hit Publish on Randy-Dumper Beef Bowl Promotion
After revealing a slate of exciting new menu items including a Washington State Ferry food tray Tuesday, the Mariners are reportedly still too nervous...
Hilary Knight Accepts Invitation to Knock Out Rest of Jack Hughes’ Teeth
After sexist locker-room talk led to a contentious week between the US Men’s and Women’s Hockey teams, today the Women’s and Seattle Torrent Team...
U.S. Men’s Hockey Team Wondering If Kash Patel Really Has to Keep Staring at Them While They Sleep Like That
After a second night of FBI Director Kash Patel sleeping in the U.S. Men’s Hockey team’s bedroom, players are beginning to wonder if he...
Seahawks Sale Moves Forward After Seattle Successfully Binds, Gags Howard Schultz
Shortly after Jody Allen officially announced the Seahawks were up for sale today, cautiously optimistic Seattle sports fans waved forward the bidding process once...
Trump Flies Over Emerald City Demanding Seahawks ‘Surrender Lombardi’
As Seattle gathered for its Super Bowl Parade Wednesday morning, onlookers gasped as President Donald Trump flew over the Emerald City demanding that the...
Skittle Rainbow Stretches Over Seattle as Curse Finally Broken, Beast Mode Avenged
Overgrown thorned blackberry bushes magically receded as a Skittle rainbow stretched over the city of Seattle, confirming the Seahawks Super Bowl curse was broken...
US to Only Allow Iran at World Cup Games If No Dangerous School Children on Team
After a week of deliberating if Iran’s national soccer team will be able to attend their scheduled World Cup Games in Seattle and LA...
Rep. Pramila Jayapal Endorses both Seahawks and Patriots
After months of 99.9% of her constituents asking her to root for the Seahawks, Seattle Congresswoman Rep. Pramila Jayapal announced to the surprised delight...
JD Vance Busts Team USA’s Terrorist Plot to ‘Cut Up the ICE’
After cleverly stuffing himself in an Olympic hockey lockerroom locker before someone else did, today Vice President JD Vance aka Special Agent 1488 reportedly...
Pickleball Season Declared Open After Population of Courts Gets Out of Control
Today Fish & Wildlife declared Pickleball Season open in Seattle due to the population of new courts taking over the Fremont Theo Chocolate Factory,...
