Alexa Finally Free After Jeff Bezos Uses Third and Final Wish To Travel Into Space
Alexa, a spirit bound by circular speaker walls for millennia, is now free to return to human form after granting her former master, Jeff...
Jeff Bezos Just Wondering If He Can Still Write Off MacKenzie’s Charitable Donations
After a year of witnessing his ex-wife MacKenzie follow through on her Giving Pledge commitment to donate most of her $38 billion divorce settlement...
Ted Cruz Tragically Still Alive at 50
After being forced to watch Jeff Bezos and Richard Branson return from space with no consequences for their continued pillaging of the planet and...
Independent Intergalactic Bookstore Already Out of Business
Despite being in space for less than 10 minutes, reports are pouring in that Jeff Bezos’ Blue Origin venture into outer space has already...
‘No Labor Laws in Space,’ Mumbles Jeff Bezos at Press Conference
At a press conference the afternoon before Jeff Bezos blasts off into space on his Blue Origin rocket Tuesday morning at 6 a.m. Pacific,...
Experts Say Fear of Delta Variant Totally Acceptable Excuse for Avoiding People You Can’t Stand
Experts at the CDC have announced that using fear of the Delta variant of COVID-19 is a completely acceptable excuse for continuing to avoid...
I’m Richard Branson and This Is Why I’m Prematurely Ejaculating Into Outer Space
Hey, it’s Sir Richie, your favorite billionaire. I just wanted to clear up a few things before I suddenly thrust myself to heaven and...
Quiz: Are You In Love With Them or Did They Just Vaccinate You Against a Deadly Disease 5 Minutes Ago?
When they asked you to roll up your shirt sleeve, you: a. Felt overwhelming gratefulness and expressed thanks as you did just that.b. Took...
Desperate CDC Release Genetically Enhanced Super Surgeon to Speed Up Vaccine Rollout
After a broken freezer put hundreds of COVID-19 vaccinations in danger of expiring last night, the CDC reportedly unleashed for the first time a...
NASA’s Perseverance Rover Criticized for Fleeing Crisis-Stricken Earth for Sunny Mars Vacation
The historic landing of the Mars Perseverance Rover has been met with controversy today after many of Earth’s citizens accused the rover of abandoning...
