‘Just a Reminder That the Corporate Office Has A/C,’ Reads Helpful Email from Satan
Just as local remote workers were set to begin another sweltering day at home chained to their laptops this morning, they were reportedly reminded that the corporate office has A/C by a helpful email...
Magnolia Named World’s Most Dangerous Neighborhood by Magnolia
Frazzled, bullet-grazed and red lipstick-kissed, crime researchers arrived at a press conference Tuesday evening in window-smashed cars to confirm that Magnolia is the most dangerous neighborhood in the world, according to Magnolia.
“Gun wars...
Mayor Harrell to Extend Eviction Moratorium So Everyone Has Time to Move into Their Vacation Houses
After much anticipation over whether renters financially ravaged by the pandemic would suddenly be facing the end of Seattle’s eviction moratorium this weekend on Jan. 15, today new Seattle Mayor Bruce Harrell assured everyone...
‘Oooo, Someone’s Having a Campfire!’ Says Seattle Optimist
In a stunningly rare display of local optimism, one excited Seattle resident is wondering who is having a “cozy little campfire” tonight.
“Oh my gosh, I LOVE campfires—do you think it’s one of those cute...
Mayor Harrell Follows Shotspotter Ask with Shitspotter Technology to Detect Dog Poop Anywhere in City
As the Seattle City Council's budget committee debated whether to approve funding for Shotspotter’s controversial and reportedly ineffective gunshot detection technology, today Mayor Bruce Harrell announced his intention to also ask for the funding...
Lone Black Employee Given Honor of Creating, Running Diversity Committee
In an unprecedented and grand gesture to celebrate their commitment to diversity, local law firm Piper, Hitler, & Jenkins paid homage to accountant Jeni Larson, their sole black employee, by bestowing her the privilege...
Seattle Public Transit Fan Forced to Act Like They Wish Light Rail Already Connected to Bellevue
As Sound Transit prepares to open the East Link light rail line in Bellevue and Redmond this weekend without a direct connection to Seattle due to construction complications, today local Seattle public transit fan...
PCC Co-op Disturbed by Requests to Be Actual Co-op
Upper management of local grocery co-op chain PCC say they’re reportedly being flooded with countless deranged and maniacal requests for the store to be an actual co-op.
“We’ve literally called the cops on these absolute...
Bellevue Hits 100% Unemployment Rate as Microsoft Lays Off 5% of Workers
In an unprecedented economic catastrophe for the Eastside, this week Bellevue reached a staggering 100 percent unemployment rate after Microsoft announced layoffs of 5 percent of its workforce.
“Literal tumbleweeds are already blowing through The...
KUOW Says the Subarus Are Next If You Don’t Become a Sustaining Member
Shortly after Seattle’s local NPR affiliate KUOW reported that a glitch in local Mazdas had the vehicles’ radio stations permanently stuck on KUOW no matter what their owners tried, the public radio station calmly...
