Local Woman Just Thinks Flaming Forest Could Find More Peaceful Way to Protest Climate Change
Although she totally believes global warming is an immediate existential threat to many, local woman Sherry Hayes said she thinks forests could protest climate...
Early Voter Excited to Drop Off Ballot, Wait in Existential Dread for Next 3 Weeks
Upon excitedly dropping off her ballot today, local early voter Maria Lopez says she’s now thrilled to spend at least the next three weeks...
SPD Protects East Precinct from Terrifying Justice Reforms with New Shark-Infested Moat
Terrified even a modicum of lasting institutional reform might creep into the East Precinct on Capitol Hill, the Seattle Police Department spent the weekend...
UW Frats Mandate Beer Bongs Must Be at Least 6 Feet Long
Following its second outbreak that now includes more than 200 students, University of Washington fraternities announced that from now on they will be mandating...
Local Idiot Thought Presidential Debate Would be Perfect Way to End Gorgeous Autumn Day
To cap a day of golden sunshine and clear blue skies so glorious it may have beat the best weather days of spring and...
Postmaster General Removes Mailbox Peak
Following orders from President Donald Trump to do anything necessary to sabotage mail-in voting operations for the presidential election this November, newly appointed United...
Plume of White Tear Gas Rising from City Hall Signals New Police Chief Has Been Chosen
Within 24 hours of the Seattle City Council defunding the local police budget and Police Chief Carmen Best's resignation, a plume of white tear...
Model Citizen Stakes Out Ballot Drop to Inform Stragglers He Voted Weeks Ago
August primary voters rushing to turn in their ballots at a Wallingford drop box at the last minute were aided tonight by local Good...
Parents Insist It’s Really, Totally Fine Son Chose Evergreen Over UW
In a highly anticipated family Zoom call tonight, local Seattle parents Sam and Bev Mosely insisted it’s actually absolutely fine their son Dan is...
Federal Officers Deployed After Radicalized Mom Cell Discovered in Joann Fabrics
Following a night of courageously teargassing Portland’s peaceful Wall of Moms, federal officers have now arrived in Seattle to thwart another cabal of...
