Woke Man Rushes to Make Amazon Purchases Ahead of Black Friday Boycott
Reportedly fed up with the capitalist greed plaguing America every holiday season, one woke Capitol Hill man spent the day preparing for his boycott...
‘No, But We’re Really Strict with Our Pod,’ Says Woman in Six Pods
Having her pod of seven friends and their children over for Thanksgiving during the deadliest phase of the pandemic to date won’t be anything...
Man Still Phone Banking For Love of the Game
As most Biden-Harris voters settled down Sunday after a full Saturday of partying, local Democrat Timothy Finnegan is still phone banking for what he...
Hipsters Return Tattered and Covered in Soot After Attempt to Gentrify Everett
A brigade of dazed and despondent white hipsters stumbled back into Seattle tonight after a reportedly harrowing failed attempt at gentrifying the northern Seattle...
Seattle Residents Quietly Inquiring How Much Actual ‘Liberal Bubble’ Would Cost
With pre-election anxiety at an all-time high, Seattle’s residents have reportedly started to inquire what it might cost to dome this fucker up and...
Man Relieved Axe Wielding Maniac Looming in Doorway is Wearing Mask
While public mask debates continue across the nation, a local man was reportedly quite impressed with the courtesy shown to him by the axe-wielding...
Seattle Excuses Self While it Kisses, Makes Sweet Love to Sky
Following two solid weeks of being socked in by hazardous wildfire smoke, everyone in Seattle has reportedly excused themselves to kiss and make sweet,...
Local Woman Just Thinks Flaming Forest Could Find More Peaceful Way to Protest Climate Change
Although she totally believes global warming is an immediate existential threat to many, local woman Sherry Hayes said she thinks forests could protest climate...
Early Voter Excited to Drop Off Ballot, Wait in Existential Dread for Next 3 Weeks
Upon excitedly dropping off her ballot today, local early voter Maria Lopez says she’s now thrilled to spend at least the next three weeks...
SPD Protects East Precinct from Terrifying Justice Reforms with New Shark-Infested Moat
Terrified even a modicum of lasting institutional reform might creep into the East Precinct on Capitol Hill, the Seattle Police Department spent the weekend...
