Trump Supporter Just Really Concerned About the Safety of Seattle’s Gayest Neighborhood
Dismissing claims that his support for excessive police and military force on Seattle’s Capitol Hill is hypocritical given his dislike for ‘big government,’ Trump supporter Don Scaggs says he’s really just concerned about the...
Middle-aged Shoppers Arrested with Fake IDs at Costco’s Senior Shopping Hour
KIRKLAND – Dozens of middle-aged shoppers who crept out of their suburban windows early this morning were promptly arrested when they tried using fake IDs to slip into Costco’s exclusive Senior Shopping Hour.
“Kirkland Costco,...
East Precinct Cops Struggling to Intimidate Protesters Remotely
Following the withdrawal of police forces from Seattle’s East Precinct, many displaced police officers are reportedly struggling to adapt to a remote workplace, finding their attempts to violently assault protesters over Zoom to be...
Free Ballard Declares Victory As SPD Retreats from Violent Threats of Lutefisk
Inspired by the Seattle Police Department’s retreat from what is now known as the autonomous zone of Free Capitol Hill, the more than century-old Free Ballard movement has declared victory itself tonight after violently...
Police: Our Vests Are Bulletproof, Not Plastic Bottle-Proof
In a desperate plea to Seattle’s elected officials today, Seattle Police Officers Guild President Mike Solan begged the city for more protection from protesters since their military-grade riot gear is only bullet-proof, not water-bottle...
SPD Bans Tear Gas Until Next Shipment Arrives
After repeated calls to end the use of tear gas on peaceful Black Lives Matter protesters during a pandemic, the Seattle Police Department has agreed to temporarily ban its use until the next cargo...
Mysterious Health Condition Prevents Customer from Using Mask, Brain
A local Safeway customer assured essential workers and shoppers this afternoon that the only reason she wasn’t wearing a mask is a health condition that prevents her from using both face coverings and her...
Local Holy Woman Ascends to Podcast Nirvana
Five mostly quarantined months into meditatively mowing through almost every podcast in existence, sources say local holy woman Zahra Princeton has officially ascended to podcast nirvana.
“She was just minutes into the first episode of...
Progress: Amazon Announces Recyclable Pink Slips for Union Workers
Following increased public pressure to walk its talk on the fight against climate change, today Amazon unveiled a “Clean Leave” policy today that promises all pink slips handed to union workers now will be...
Pike Place Market Begins Curbside Fish-Throw
As businesses citywide adapt to selling products at a safe distance, this weekend Pike Place Market began curbside fish-throwing to its loyal, seafood-loving customers.
Henry Iverson, driving up with a Subaru station wagon window down...
