Melting Snowman Curses Eight-Year-Old Creator for Pain of Fleeting Existence
As the snow from the weekend’s wintery flurry begins to slowly fade away, one deformed, half-melted snowman has cursed his eight-year-old creator for condemning him to a fleeting existence of amorphous agony.
“Oh the pain...
Andrew Yang Seen Licking Gum Wall Before Announcing Seattle Mayoral Campaign
Following his concession from New York City’s mayoral race, Andrew Yang was spotted this afternoon licking the famed Gum Wall in a desperate attempt to ingratiate himself to the Emerald City ahead of his...
Local Midwesterner Rolls Eyes at Seattleites’ Inability to Drive in a Tornado
As surprise tornado warnings kept Western Washington residents cowering inside their homes today, one Missouri transplant is scoffing at Seattleites’ pathetic inability to drive inside a shearing pillar of wind.
“You should have seen the...
Heartwarming: City Officials Spell Out ‘One Seattle’ in Belongings Confiscated from the Homeless
Seattle residents were treated to a heartwarming gesture of civic unity today after city officials spelled the Mayor Bruce Harrell’s slogan ‘One Seattle’ out of the seized belongings from homeless encampments police swept with...
Experts Find Smoking Filtered Cigarettes Reduces Risk of Breathing Seattle’s Air
A new public health study out today found that smoking filtered cigarettes significantly reduces the risks of directly inhaling air in Seattle.
“In addition to removing tar from your cigarette, our data shows it’s also...
OneBusAway Finally Adds ‘Never’ Notification for When Your Bus Has Fallen into the Void
Today’s new update to the OneBusAway app added a much-requested feature that now lists the arrival time status for buses as “never” whenever they have by all indications fallen into a deep cavity of...
Blackstone Appoints Cruella de Vil to Oversee Rover Acquisition
To allay fears that too much would be changing after the announcement that private equity firm Blackstone would be buying Seattle-based Rover.com for a stunning $2.3 billion, today the company’s future owners announced renowned...
Nordstromrack Family to Sell Store Chain for Up to 70% Off Regularly Marked Price
Downtown Seattle – As the Nordstrom family looks to sell the privately-owned luxury department store chain, the Nordstromrack family is looking to sell as well for up to 70 percent off the regularly marked...
Weather Forecast: Sunshine, Like Life, is Fleeting
Following swiftly on the heels of one of the sunniest Januarys on record, the next week promises temperatures sure to chill your soul and rain so miserable you’ll wonder if you’ll ever have the...
Howard Schultz Hints at Run for Seattle City Council
Just weeks after the billionaire announced he was stepping back from his campaign for an independent presidential bid, former Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz has begun dropping hints that he may be making a run...
