‘My Precious…’ Moans I-5 Motorist, Stroking $30 Car Tab in 14th Hour of Commute
Following the apparent passage of Tim Eyman’s I-976 last week, initiative
supporters are celebrating by covering up the rumbling sounds of crumbling
public transportation infrastructure on their daily commutes with moans of pleasure
the state’s GOP says...
Swedish Hospital Introduces New Do-It-Yourself Heart Transplant Kits
Those on the long waitlist for heart transplants are in for a shock: Swedish Hospital just announced today that it will be rolling out its innovative do-it-yourself heart transplant kit program as soon as...
Man Utterly Traumatized by 2020 Just Gonna Pick Up ThunderShirt for Self Too
While picking up an anxiety-reducing ThunderShirt for his dog ahead of tonight’s neighborhood firework displays, a local man utterly traumatized by 2020 decided he better just get one for himself to wear while trembling...
Woke Man Rushes to Make Amazon Purchases Ahead of Black Friday Boycott
Reportedly fed up with the capitalist greed plaguing America every holiday season, one woke Capitol Hill man spent the day preparing for his boycott of Black Friday by rushing to make his Amazon purchases...
New Amazon Employee Nervous for First Day of Self-loathing
After securing an incredible salary and bonus up-front, local software engineer Brock Morehouse said he admits he’s incredibly nervous about his first day of self-loathing at his new employer, Amazon.
“There’s so many reasons to...
Landlord Awaiting End to Eviction Moratorium Excited to Complain About Unrelated Surge in Homeless Population
With the nationwide eviction moratorium set to expire tomorrow, landlords across the country are eagerly awaiting the opportunity to complain about a massive incoming surge in local homeless populations that definitely has nothing to...
Look of Disappointment in Father’s Eyes is Gift Enough, Says Bellevue High Goth
After weeks of struggling to figure out what his son really wants for Christmas, Bellevue High School goth Brennan Kowalski assured his father that the look of disappointment he gives every time his son...
Monsanto Releases Spring Software Update to Make Next Wave of Flowers Bloom
This morning Monsanto issued a spring software update to a subset of PNW plants that enables the next wave of flowers to bloom across the region.
“We’ve developed a vibrant summer color profile for local...
National Guard Summoned as Figgy Pudding Caroling Competition Enters 5th Day
After an endless volley of Christmas song choruses entered its fifth day at Pike Place Market, today Seattle officials finally called in the National Guard to disrupt an ongoing stalemate at this year’s fierce...
Wile E. Coyote Steps Down as Sound Transit CEO After Giant Clock Falls on Northbound Tunnel
Following a catastrophic incident in which a cartoonishly large clock fell onto Westlake Station’s Northbound tunnel and indefinitely disrupted light rail service, today Sound Transit CEO Wile E. Coyote officially stepped down after taking...
