“These People Drive Like Idiots,” Say 12,000 I-5 Drivers in Unison
In a display of universal synchronicity during today’s rush hour, a record 12,287 I-5 drivers collectively complained “you all drive like complete goddamn jagoffs” at the exact same time.
“First time driving, huh?” chuckled 12,287...
Seattle Public Utilities Fines Oscar the Grouch for Not Living in Compost Bin
Controversy erupted today at the news that resident trash-muppet Oscar the Grouch was fined by Seattle Public Utilities for living in a trash can instead of the compost bin."Mr. Grouch ignored all of our...
Waterfront Seattle to Open New Bike Lane As Soon as They Finish Sharpening Low Steel Fencing
After years of wondering whether the city’s Waterfront Seattle planners were ever going to prioritize any mode of transportation other than cars, today they confirmed they’re finally almost ready to open a new bike...
Landlord Raises Pet Rent After Discovery of Wasp Nest
Today a landlord raised a local renter’s pet rent after discovering he had not disclosed keeping an adorable nest of pet wasps on the property.
“Thought you were being slick hiding them here in the...
Heartwarming: City Officials Spell Out ‘One Seattle’ in Belongings Confiscated from the Homeless
Seattle residents were treated to a heartwarming gesture of civic unity today after city officials spelled the Mayor Bruce Harrell’s slogan "One Seattle" out of the seized belongings from homeless encampments police swept with...
Libertarian Friend Finally Admits He’s Just An Asshole
After years of trying to get a confession of douchebaggery out of local Libertarian Chase Dickerson, his liberal friends are reporting today they finally have it.
“At approximately 10:08 a.m. today, Mr. Dickerson of...
SPD Recruitment Test Standards Lowered to Just Coloring Inside the Thin Blue Line
With Seattle Police Department recruitment flagging despite throwing most of the city budget at them, the SPD announced plans to boost enrollment by lowering the testing standards to just coloring within the thin blue...
Amazon Promises Warehouse Workers Will Only Endure Inhumane Conditions Until Automation Replaces Them All
As word of dangerous working conditions at Amazon’s warehouses spread across the nation, Amazon CEO Andy Jassy called a rare press conference to formally promise that the current inhumane conditions for its human workforce...
Seattle Man Convinced G Line Actually a Myth
A Seattle man expressed his doubts Monday about whether King County Metro's RapidRide G Line actually exists.
“I can’t find the G-Line anywhere, and because there’s no way that’s just my own skill issue, it...
Everybody Run: The Cat Learned How to Hold a Knife
One local family was sent running away in a frenzied panic Tuesday night after their cat ‘Mewcifer’ suddenly learned how to hold a knife and began brandishing it menacingly around the house.
"Mewcifer, JD isn't...
