A local emergency was declared today after President Donald Trump and Department of Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem actually approved a federal emergency declaration and the assistance that comes with it when the flooded blue state of Washington asked for it.
“You sure you don’t wanna fuck with us a little bit before approving FEMA assistance to help hundreds of families who are losing everything they own? Everything okay?” asked Gov. Bob Ferguson before getting off the phone with DHS Secretary Noem and speaking at a press conference today. “Um okay so first the good news: So I guess the Trump administration has agreed to help us out without any fight or incident. Bad news: Come on, they gotta be fucking with us, right? I hereby declare another state of emergency that our request for an emergency declaration was actually declared.”
The emergency situation further escalated in flooded Washington communities when the National Guard was seen doing their actual job of helping people, not terrorizing them.
“Things must be really bad when National Guard members have to step away from unconstitutionally tearing families apart to set up sandbag walls that help save people’s homes, farms and businesses,” said Mount Vernon resident Wally Perkins. “People are so freaked out now by this historic flooding – do we really need to be further weirded out by the National Guard asking us if they can actually help in an hour of need?”
At press time, Washington residents were comforted with assurances from communities in the South devastated by Hurricane Helene that if the Trump administration for some reason doesn’t have time to fuck with you right now, they definitely will later.
