Why I Refuse to Use Public Transit Unless It Looks Like the Cute Trolley from Mister Rogers
Look, I’m all for reducing car usage and our carbon footprint by using public transit to help save the environment and slow the advance of a climate change apocalypse. But I absolutely refuse to...
Seattle Native Succumbs to Violent Stab Wounds
Mourners gathered today at a Downtown makeshift memorial to honor the life and legacy of Dr. Walter Jensen, a local ophthalmologist and pillar of the community who was repeatedly stabbed in the face by...
Mint-Condition Bellevue Sidewalk Tragically Trampled by Local Pedestrian
A sparkling stretch of mint-condition Bellevue concrete was tragically trampled today by an as-of-yet unidentified suspect who allegedly destroyed it by actually walking on it.
“We can’t say for sure, but we think the suspect...
Local Historian Records Momentous Event for Future Generations
For the tenth year almost in a row, local historian Greg Keith spent New Year’s recording the Space Needle’s fireworks show with his iPhone, once again sacrificing his personal enjoyment of the present moment...
Seattle Riots After Ticketmaster Immediately Sells Out of All Queen Anne Sedan Snow Slam Tickets
Hatred for Ticketmaster reached its highest levels yet today as thousands of avid Queen Anne Sedan Snow Slam fans struggled all day to get tickets to the city’s favorite annual event, most only to...
Local Apathy Levels Off The Charts According To Study We Almost Did
In what would have been a landmark study, Seattle levels of apathy and indifference have reached historic highs, according to survey data yet to be collected.
“We thought it might be cool to do a...
Gas Works Park Sledder Suddenly Becomes Lake Union Kayaker
In an amphibious feat the likes of which Seattle snow lovers had never yet seen, today one man sledding at Gas Works Park suddenly became a Lake Union kayaker.
“At first I didn’t know what...
Area Man Drives into Ditch to Practice for Upcoming Winter Driving Season
To prepare for snow arriving in the Seattle area as soon as next week, today one local winter driving aficionado took advantage of the sunny November afternoon to practice driving his new $150k pickup...
Space Needle Insists It’s Not That Small, It’s Just Cold Outside
As winter creeps closer and thermostats continue to drop, the Space Needle has once again come forward to insist that it’s not actually that small, it’s just cold outside.
“I’m not even that small, everyone...
Disgraced Police Officer Just Asked to Grow Weird Little Mustache Before Being Rehired
After an officer-involved shooting incident last night led to rare disciplinary action, this morning one disgraced Seattle police officer was just asked to just grow a weird little mustache before being rehired.
“By now you...
