Discovery Park Blackberry Bushes Pick Off Straggling Jogger
A relaxing after-work jog turned deadly for one man today after he fell behind his jogging pack and was picked off by the voracious...
Eligible Voter Sitting Out Local Primary So They Can Hate General Election Options Enough to Not Vote in That Either
In what experts at democracy are calling a move of pure genius, local eligible voter Noah Clark is sitting out today’s local primary election...
Fremont Troll Reinstates Bridge Toll
Citing the skyrocketing cost of living in Seattle, today the Fremont Troll announced he’s officially reinstated his bridge toll.
Not everyone will have to pay...
12 Hospitalized After Gum Wall’s ‘Take a Piece, Leave a Piece’ Promotion
A “Take a Piece, Leave a Piece” promotion at Seattle’s Gum Wall that failed to specify which gum tourists were supposed to take has...
Mercer Island’s Second Cougar Sighting This Week Alarms Residents
The second sighting this week of a cougar prowling this usually safe, residential enclave has Mercer Island families clutching their children and dolla, dolla...
Ballard Resident Almost Gets Through Filling Out Local Primary Ballot without Using Vomit Bucket
Today one Ballard resident almost became the Evel Knievel of local primary voting when he almost got through filling out his entire ballot without...
Seattle Homeless Disguise Themselves as Trees in Effort to Get Protection from City
As a result of Seattle's recently passed ordinance to protect most trees within city limits, unsheltered residents living in Seattle have taken to disguising...
Bellevue Hits 100% Unemployment Rate as Microsoft Lays Off 5% of Workers
In an unprecedented economic catastrophe for the Eastside, this week Bellevue reached a staggering 100 percent unemployment rate after Microsoft announced layoffs of 5...
Volunteer Park Squirrels No Longer Content Taking Candy from Babies, Begin Carjackings
This weekend Capitol Hill residents were shocked to discover that the Volunteer Park squirrels—long known for their utter lack of fear and ravenous taste...
White Ally Anxiously Awaits Invite to Juneteenth Cookout
Semi-confident she’s been a good enough white person to finally be invited to the Juneteenth cookout, self-proclaimed ally Allison Wetzel announced today she’s cautiously...
