Semi-confident she’s been a good enough white person to finally be invited to the Juneteenth cookout this year, self-proclaimed ally Allison Wetzel announced today she’s cautiously optimistic about her chances of attending one this three-day weekend.
“This year, I didn’t just keep putting the 10 anti-racist books I bought in 2020 in my Zoom backgrounds – I actually finally read one of them!” said Allison. “Thanks to Michelle Alexander’s The New Jim Crow, I never have to sound like as much of a misinformed dipshit about the War on Drugs as Seattle Times columnist Danny Westneat ever again! Okay, I know deep down that’s a low bar, but please just let me pat myself on the back for a moment – I need to manifest this and the Juneteenth cookout invite. I need to know what potato salad without raisins is like!”
Local Juneteenth cookout hosts were skeptical and still on the fence about whether inviting Allison and inevitably her friend Chelsea would be worth doing for the greater good.
“Honestly, the main thing holding me back from inviting her is that she calls herself an ‘ally,’” said one local Juneteenth BBQ cook and host, James Larson. “Everyone knows you’re not even eligible for ‘ally’ standing until we’ve invited you to the cookout. This bitch hasn’t even qualified for consideration yet! Why can’t she just order food from a Black business and finally watch Madea’s Family Reunion if she wants to support our community so bad? Withholding the wonder of my BBQ pork from anyone may be a crime against God, though, so I’ll think about it.”
At press time, Allison was still anxiously waiting for an invite as she sat next to her home’s front lawn Black Lives Matter sign while reading the first page of How to Be an Anti-Racist.
