Citing the skyrocketing cost of living in Seattle, today the Fremont Troll announced he’s officially reinstated his bridge toll.
Not everyone will have to pay as the Troll says his randomized toll payment system involves only swiping every other car off the bridge’s six sardine-packed lanes.
“I think this is a win-win solution,” the Troll said in a brief press conference while flossing a Toyota Camry out of his teeth. “I can afford to live and eat as a community tourist attraction back here in Fremont, all while reducing the number of cars who delusionally think they can safely fit on that bridge at the same time.”
Unlike in his more impulsive years, the troll said he’ll let drivers safely walk themselves down to a nearby bus before confiscating their car, with no ransom payment of sacks of potatoes, orphaned children or soft silks from neighboring villages necessary. He’ll sell some cars and keep others for food.
“Even trolls need to meal prep to stay healthy,” Troll said. “It’s all here now just like the doctor ordered—got my reds, my greens, blues and, of course, my glittery taupes.”
In a statement, SDOT thanked the Troll for helping the city reach its climate action goals of getting more cars off the road in a much cheaper way than building more bus lanes.
