Today a local woman who thought she could get away with sneaking in a pumpkin spice latte a full month before it’s legal just because it was a little bit cloudy and crisp for the first time in two months found out she was wrong when she got caught and arrested for it.
“I didn’t mean any harm! I was just hungover from Barbie movie/Taylor Swift concert weekend and the air was so crisp under the gray skies,” said Laura Berg in her defense. “I didn’t think anyone would be bothered by it, but clearly a few nosy Nextdoor neighbors caught me standing on my balcony sipping something hot from a mug in a crocheted mustard duster while listening to Folklore and Evermore on repeat. It just happened—I’m sorry!”
But an investigation of her social media shows that she may have been planning it for a while now: According to a meme Laura shared on July 15, she allegedly believes that anytime after July 4 is technically “time for Halloween.” Prosecutors say she may even face additional charges of attempted murder of summer.
“She was so hopped up on the stuff that when we told her she was getting booked she actually thought we were taking her to a library to pick out a book to curl up with,” said Darren Dix, lead prosecutor on the case. “She also wouldn’t let us take a mug shot of her without her favorite mug. Look, these laws need to be taken more seriously—I mean can you imagine what would happen to this crazy world if Starbucks was able to sell pumpkin spice lattes any sooner than they already do at the end of August? Exactly. If these sick fall nuts have their way, we’ll hardly have summer at all.”
At press time, several other local women were also given warning citations for already wearing cozy sweaters black turtlenecks again.
