As onlookers eagerly awaited the free-spirited Fremont Solstice Parade’s naked bicyclists, event organizers announced that for the first time they had to draw line on who could participate when a band of naked unicyclists appeared at the start of the parade route.
“The Fremont Solstice Parade is all about love, unity, and free expression for all—but even we have limits,” said Solstice parade organizer Primrose Fenstrom, hanging up “No Unicycles Allowed” signs along the parade route. “I signed off on the ‘Utilikilts on Stilts’ group to honor the spirit of the parade, but unicycles? I, for one, am not going to stand by and watch as our vision of unbridled, joyous human expression is corrupted by these single-wheeled sickos.”
Though the dazzling display of human creativity and pedal-powered nudity has long been a family friendly favorite, local parents were appalled by the indecent display of public unicycling by the would-be parade participants.
“There’s no place for this kind of debauchery in public—I bring my kids here for a wholesome day watching the naked bike riders, not to be forced to have ‘the unicycle talk’ with my kids,” said local parent Dan Murphy. “What kind of lesson is this teaching our youth? Next thing you know, they’re hanging out with clowns at the circus, or worse—zipping around South Lake Union on a OneWheel.”
Although the addition of naked unicyclists to the annual parade were rejected outright, event organizers and spectators alike were dazzled by a new troupe of nude geriatric speedwalkers who shimmied down the parade route at surprising speeds wearing nothing but body paint and orthopedic shoes.
Photos with alternations: Fremont Solstice Parade 2011 by Joe Mabel CC BY-SA 2.0, 2022 Coney Island Mermaid Parade by Rhododendrites CC BY-SA 4.0, WNBR London 2015 by Funk Dooby CC BY-SA 2.0
