Monorail Operator ‘Gonna Work On Train With Two Tracks Someday, You’ll See!’
Witnesses say they were perplexed to see veteran Seattle Monorail operator Charlie Osgood shaking his fist outside its windows today while yelling vows to “work on a train with two tracks someday, ya hear?”
“I...
Local Sadist Posts Gorgeous Trail Photo on Facebook Hiking Group With No Location
A local Facebook hiking group is reeling tonight after yet another sadist posted a gorgeous trail photo without mentioning its location.
“This sick fuck posted a picture of herself in front of this gorgeous waterfall...
Fieri’s Flavortown Gains Competition as Tom Douglas Opens Delivery-Only Flavoure Villa
Not to be outmaneuvered by Guy Fieri’s delivery-only Flavortown Kitchen that just opened in South Lake Union, today local chef and restaurateur Tom Douglas debuted his own delivery-only diner, Flavoure Villa.
“I’ve tried everything to...
Local Geoduck Bragging About Magnum XLs a Bit Much
Dosewallips State Park’s most famous bivalve resident has reportedly been making waves and bragging about his steady supply of Trojan Magnum XL condoms a bit much.
“A lot of people get my name wrong and...
Victoria’s Secret Releases Line of Edible Sweatpants
Inspired to release a more realistic and practical line of lingerie this Valentine’s Day, today Victoria’s Secret revealed its first line of edible sweatpants in “four heavenly flavors.”
“After sales dipped incredibly low last year,...
Local Psychopaths Camping This Weekend
According to inside sources, certified crazy people Shyan Burke and Mikaela Hopkins of Fremont have already headed up to the mountains this weekend to “get back to nature.”
Fellow Fremont resident Ruby told The Needling...
Trader Joe’s Bouncer Declines Entrance to Man Not Wearing Enough North Face
Despite several signs explicitly requiring all shoppers to wear enough middle-class outdoor gear for a hike up Little Si, witnesses waiting in line outside to enter the store say a Trader Joe’s bouncer had...
Patagonia’s New Pufferfish Puffy Expands When Attacked
Seeking to edge out its tight competition with other outdoor brands this year, today Patagonia introduced a first-of-its-kind Pufferfish Puffy that expands into a spiky, venomous ball when threatened.
“In a year like 2020, I...
Magnolia Neighborhood Vandalized By Vegan Teens Pelting Houses With Egg Substitute
A Magnolia neighborhood was terrorized today as a roving band of vegan teens went on a health-conscious Halloween crime spree, reportedly pelting houses with plant-based egg substitute.
“I’m going to be scraping algal flour off...
Third Round of Refrigerator Grazing Officially Counts as Dinner
In a landmark study conducted by the University of Washington, scientists
have finally concluded that your third round of refrigerator grazing officially
counts as dinner.
“We conducted a thorough double blind study chronicling the
grazing habits of thousands...
