Washington State Election Officials Announce Local Races Too Close to Night Night to Call
With the future of the nation’s democracy hanging in the balance, Washington state election officials reported at precisely 8:05 p.m. tonight that today’s Senate...
Local Casanova Comes to Bed Wearing Nothing but ‘I Voted’ Sticker
With election results expected to pour in long into the night, one local Casanova wooed his lover by coming to bed wearing nothing but...
‘Voting Is Pointless,’ Reports Little Shit Who Doesn’t Know What a Pre-Existing Condition Is
Bravely rejecting mainstream and status quo forms of preserving democracy, today one local 24-year-old little shit who’s never had to worry about a pre-existing...
Ghost of Jimi Hendrix Also Bummed It Has to Drive to Renton to Visit Grave
Ghost of late guitar legend Jimi Hendrix reluctantly visited his Renton Highlands gravesite under the duress of out-of-town guests today, a Greenwood Memorial Park...
Seattle Residents Forced to Seek Refuge Underground as Leaf Blowers Render Surface Uninhabitable
Just when Seattleites thought it was safe to go outside after this month’s Smokepocalypse, weary residents have been forced to seek refuge underground as...
15 Signs You’re Too Cozy To Go Out Tonight, Seattle
As the sun sets on Seattle, the dreary elements, seasonal depression and packs of wild raccoons descend rapidly on our fair city. The warm...
SPD Attempts to Arrest 68,740 People After New ShotSpotter Tech Reports Loud Noises at Lumen Field
A pilot program of Mayor Bruce Harrell’s new ShotSpotter gunshot detection technology ran into a snag this last weekend when the Seattle Police Department...
Mariners Wear New All-Leather Uniforms to Edge Fans for One Last Day
The Mariners surprised the sold-out crowd at T-Mobile Park today with all-leather home alternate uniforms to better edge their fans’ playoff division series hopes...
UW Quarterback Michael Penix Hasn’t Heard That One Before
After 22 years of living with the name Michael Penix Jr., the Husky star quarterback reported with delight at a pre-game press conference that...
Moose’s Paw Curls as Mariners Playoff Curse Passes to Sounders
After one local man’s wish for the Mariners’ two-decade playoff drought to end became officially realized Friday afternoon, the one and final cloven hoof...
