Poll: Most Americans Would Rather Be Eaten By Sharks Than Live Through This Election
A new Discovery Channel poll today reveals a significant majority of likely American voters would prefer being devoured alive by sharks rather than live...
Half of America Celebrates Independence Day by Moving to Canada
Millions of Americans celebrated Independence Day today by patriotically packing everything they own up and moving out to live on their own in Canada.
“You...
Alki Regrets Getting Statue of Liberty from Temu
As Seattleites prepared to celebrate 4th of July festivities around it again, today the West Seattle neighborhood of Alki finally publicly apologized for purchasing...
Man Protesting Drag Brunch Actually Just Protesting Brunch
This morning a man many thought was a homophobe as he loudly protested a Pride Weekend drag brunch on Capitol Hill was reportedly actually...
Vote-Blue-No-Matter-Who Voter Actually Just Really Into Corpses
Today a voter who’s been swearing up and down for months that they’d vote for any Democrat over Trump—even a literal corpse of one—admitted...
Couple Brings Golden Retriever to Wrong Puppy Play Meetup
A local couple apologized today after bringing their golden retriever, Benji, to what they quickly realized was the wrong puppy play meetup in Capitol...
Bite of Seattle Promises Wide Variety of Zero Bites from Seattle
Featuring a wide variety of franchised food truck vendors from LA to Orange County, the Bite of Seattle’s new California-based owner and operator says...
Tired of Shark Week Typecasting, Sharks Demand More Romantic Lead Roles
Fed up with the stereotyping perpetuated by popular entertainment like Shark Week, today a coalition of sharks demanded being given more romantic lead roles.
“All...
Inslee Discovers He Has Enough PTO to Stop Being Governor Right Now
This morning Washington State Governor Jay Inslee was reportedly shocked when he stopped staring at the summer weather outside long enough to discover he’d...
Americans Dutifully Follow Biden-Trump Presidential Debate’s No-Audience Rule
Despite very much wanting to listen to two wise, old men with Oval Office experience expound on the best path forward for the best...
