Howard Schultz Orders Alderaan Starbucks Be Destroyed to Squash Red Cup Rebellion
As the Red Cup Rebellion continues to gain momentum across the galaxy, Howard “Darth” Schultz has reportedly ordered the Death Starbucks to destroy the...
Disgraced Police Officer Just Asked to Grow Weird Little Mustache Before Being Rehired
After an officer-involved shooting incident last night led to rare disciplinary action, this morning one disgraced Seattle police officer was just asked to just...
Ugh: Neighbor’s Fucking Saturnalia Decorations Already Up
In what feels like a tradition that arrives earlier and earlier
each year, seasonal Saturnalia decorations have already begun to spring up all
over Seattle.
“Look, I...
Macklemore Spotted Lurking Near Climate Pledge Arena Just in Case Kraken Need a Rally Song
With baseball season over and hockey season underway, today local musician Macklemore was spotted lurking near Climate Pledge Arena just in case the Kraken...
City’s Sick Toddlers Announce Plans to Sneeze in Your Face
In a seemingly inevitable move the city feared was coming all week, today Seattle’s sick toddlers formally announced plans to sneeze in your face...
Family Flees Airbnb After Ghost Writes Bloody List of Chores on Wall
One local family fled for their lives this weekend after a ghost haunting their Airbnb scrawled a bloody list of household chores they were...
Man Dressed as Gandalf in Bikini Grossly Misunderstands ‘Sexy Fantasy’ Theme at Halloween Party
Standing out amongst a sea of scantily clad nurses and pizza deliverymen, one man allegedly gruesomely misunderstood the “sexy fantasy” theme at a local...
Report: 87% of Boomer Scary Stories Start ‘Once Upon a 3rd and Pine’
As the countdown to Halloween continues, a new report revealed that 87% of Boomer scary stories reliably start with ‘Once Upon a Third and...
Russell Wilson Quietly Hoping There’s Also ‘Denver Freeze’ to Explain Lack of Fans
Following Russell Wilson’s chilly reception to start the Denver chapter of his career, the quarterback is reportedly hoping there’s also a “Denver Freeze” to...
Man Clearly Trying to Shazam Song at Funeral
After being given the benefit of the doubt for a full minute that he just had T-Mobile or something, a group of mourners realized...
