911 Called for Jazz Alley Musician Struggling to Get Out of Solo
What began as a routine night of music at Dimitriou’s Jazz Alley today escalated into a medical emergency when Sonny “Fatso” Jones, saxophonist of the Clayton Powell Trio, found himself trapped in an extended...
Seattle Aquarium Launches Pride Celebration with New Gay Otter Exhibit
Seattle Aquarium launched its Pride Month celebration a day early today on World Otter Day with the opening of its new furry gay otter exhibit.
“As the first major city with a gay otter display,...
Woman Reports Living in Renton Really Not That Bad
Friends of Renton resident Rachel Hensley are concerned tonight after she reported during happy hour that living in her current city really isn’t that bad.
“You guys look at me like I’m flying in...
Man Always Thinks of Perfect Gun to Win Argument With Later in the Shower
Following a missed opportunity to finally exercise his Second Amendment rights during a heated traffic dispute today, one man lamented the fact that he can never think of the perfect gun to win arguments...
‘So When Are You Going to Bless Me With Grandkids?’ Asks Local Mom Sparking Jumper Cables
As countless Mother’s Day visits inevitably turn to the subject of grandkids today, one local mom turned to more unconventional methods to gather intelligence on the timeline of her son’s procreation.
“According to my dossier,...
Beautiful Day to Read a Book Outside Actually Too Bright a Day to Read Outside
Thousands of people across Seattle are reporting that what at first seemed the most beautiful, picture-perfect day to read a book outside is actually too bright a day to read a single word without...
Babeland’s New Geoduck Vibrator Recalled for Burrowing Too Deep to Dig Out
Today Seattle sex-toy giant Babeland announced it was already recalling its much-anticipated, new geoduck vibrator after multiple customer reports that they were burrowing too deep to dig out.
“Wow, and I thought Diva Cups were...
Anti-Umbrella Activists Announce Lineup for 50th Annual Bumbershoot Boycott
Celebrating its 50th year of refusing to attend a Seattle music festival named after an old-timey word for “umbrella,” today the PNW's most die-hard anti-umbrella activists announced the lineup for this year’s Bumbershoot Boycott.
“Guys,...
Independent Bookstore Awarded Purple Heart for Injuries Sustained In Combat with Amazon
Today courageous Greenwood independent bookstore, cafe and devoted third place for artists and old ladies talking shit about their husbands, Couth Buzzard Books, was decorated with a long-overdue Purple Heart medal for its injuries...
Seattle’s Man Buns Blossom As Spring Finally Underway
Long tucked into beanies and snapbacks, Seattle’s man buns are finally emerging from their cotton cocoons and blossoming into waves of follicle foliage just in time for the region’s slew of spring festivities.
Although...
