Thousands of annual Seattle Boat Show attendees were surprised this weekend to find that instead of yachts and sailboats, everything at the Lumen Field Event Center was just hot-tub boats now.
“What happened to this city? Whatever happened to parading your wealth around the classy way by sailing in a boat so tall you have to completely stop traffic throughout the city via raised bridges whenever you want for absolutely free?” said Marshall Merryweather, 78, wincing as some nearby hot-tub boat water splashed onto him. “Now people are just partying in boats filled with some combination of water, beer and urine? Disgusting! In my day, we used our wealth to piss on other people, not ourselves.”
Show vendor Blake Clark said there’s nothing to fear about hot-tub boats completely taking over the watercraft market, especially not for the economic elite.
“Look, haven’t you ever been luxuriating in your own private backyard hot tub—perhaps pouring a bottle of Cristal on five perfect pairs of nips—and wondered, why aren’t more people seeing me be rich right now?” Clark asked boat show attendees. “Why isn’t anyone less economically fortunate around to see me live better than them? Don’t you want them to see it? And—most of all—don’t you want them to smell it?”
Although still not much of a showboat himself, Mr. Merryweather later said he did end up buying a hot-tub boat anyway after penciling out how much he would ultimately save every year on Tommy Bahamas and Depends.
