Jesus Returns, Sees Tech Bro Riding a Onewheel, Reascends
The firstborn son of the creator of the universe, Jesus Harrison Christ, briefly returned to Earth this morning before witnessing a young human man...
Son Successfully Lures Dad to Vaccination Appointment with $25 Treat from Tommy Bahama
With the time window for his 67-year-old father’s priority vaccine access almost over, exasperated local son Garrett Hearns said he’s finally coaxed his father...
Desperate CDC Release Genetically Enhanced Super Surgeon to Speed Up Vaccine Rollout
After a broken freezer put hundreds of COVID-19 vaccinations in danger of expiring last night, the CDC reportedly unleashed for the first time a...
Seattle Police Union to Investigate Officers Who Didn’t Attend January 6th DC Riots
To ensure the utmost professionalism in its ranks, Seattle Police Officers Guild President Mike Solan announced today that the union would be opening up...
Monorail Operator ‘Gonna Work On Train With Two Tracks Someday, You’ll See!’
Witnesses say they were perplexed to see veteran Seattle Monorail operator Charlie Osgood shaking his fist outside its windows today while yelling vows to...
KEXP Holds Eddie Vedder Hostage Until Pledge Goal Met
In a shocking turn of events, it has become apparent that KEXP officials have kidnapped Pearl Jam lead singer Eddie Vedder, and are holding...
Russell Wilson Reportedly Open to Heartbreaking Playoff Losses with New Team
In what many Seahawks fans have described as “complete horseshit,” Russell Wilson is reportedly considering being sacked and intercepted in the most sad and...
Local Woman Just So Relieved Racism Is Solved Again
After watching a fairy-tale inauguration ceremony for President Joe Biden and Vice President Kamala Harris while basking in the beginning of a new era...
Local Sadist Posts Gorgeous Trail Photo on Facebook Hiking Group With No Location
A local Facebook hiking group is reeling tonight after yet another sadist posted a gorgeous trail photo without mentioning its location.
“This sick fuck posted...
Family Panics as Local Woman Reaches Tie-dye Phase of Pandemic
After assuming they had made it through the worst of a year-long lockdown as vaccine appointments draw closer, one local woman’s parents and siblings...
