After people across the nation shamed his neighborhood out of blocking helicopters carrying sick kids from landing at Seattle Children’s, today $18 million waterfront mansion owner Bill McDickerson said he just wishes there was some way to not live next to a noisy hospital.
“I guess I’m just stuck here with no choice but to hear three Life Flights a week fly over my palatial home and yacht dock forever,” said McDickerson as he helplessly looked across Lake Washington at Kirkland, Medina, Hunt’s Point, Bellevue and Mercer Island. “If I had just known when we moved in here that it would be frowned upon to add 10+ minute delays to the medical care of children so sick or injured they had be airlifted just so I didn’t ever have to hear a helicopter, I would have never bought this old place. Oh well—nothing I can do about that now.”
As he winced at a set of protesters playing vuvuzelas in the distance, McDickerson said he also wished he had the means to live in some sort of gated, non-city community.
“Look, if I had the financial flexibility to move somewhere hospitals and protesters are far away from my delicate ears I would, but sometimes you just get stuck living in a 5-car garage city’s most affluent neighborhood,” McDickerson said as his full-time personal assistant alerted him of a text from a friend in Palm Beach. “As if it’s not hard enough for people like me now that I’ll have to pay the Millionaires Tax—all those privileged plebes who don’t have to pay it don’t even care. They should be thanking me for not only having to live next to a hospital but putting in the time to pester medical professionals with questions about whether it’s really necessary for them to put as much effort as they do into saving children’s lives as quickly as possible.”
After failing to summon the community’s sympathy for having to live next to a hospital, McDickerson said his next strategy for garnering sympathy this week will involve reminding everyone he also lives next to Duff McKagan.
