A new report confirmed today that Laurelhurst residents blocking helicopters carrying kids in critical condition from landing directly at Seattle Children’s hospital because they’re too noisy ain’t heard motherfucking shit yet.
“Our noise study research shows that if waterfront mansion owners in Laurelhurst think hearing a Life Flight carrying a critically ill child land directly at the hospital is loud, maybe they should just stab their own ear drums out now because they haven’t heard jack fuck yet,” said UW lead researcher and person with a soul Dr. Erika Wheeler. “Data shows that, at least theoretically, one person after another could just drive into their not-gated community and annoyingly honk every day until the end of time or until Laurelhurst residents stop making Life Flights with severely ill children land in an athletic field a mile away from the hospital.”
The study also showed that Laurelhurst Community Council President Colleen McAleer in particular has no idea what symphony from the seventh circle of hell awaits her if she keeps saying things out loud like, “There have been fewer landings in the athletic field; almost all the landings are on top of the building. It seems some of the helicopter pilots are not trained on how air-lift drops are to go.”
“Although Colleen seems to think it would be too loud and obtrusive for about three airlifts a week to land directly at Seattle Children’s, our investigation shows she clearly has no idea how many people across the city and nation would like to torture her ears with much worse,” Dr. Wheeler said. “We’re talking whistles, horns, speeches from Donald Trump and Elon Musk—things that’ll make you wish an overhead helicopter was drowning them out.”
At press time, local noise study researchers continued to test their theories by kayaking near Laurelhurst homes at night with airhorns.
