After years of valiantly combating thousands of inadvertently spoken HR violations, the Dick’s Drive-In Human Resources team announced today that it just can’t do it anymore.
In addition to a backlog of inappropriate statement complaints stretching back to 2014, the department’s former director says hearing the same puns on indefinite repeat had already driven about half the team’s original staff into mental institutions.
“If I have to look at one more complaint that someone ‘has a hot bag of greasy Dick’s coming right up,’ I just … ,” said former HR manager Pete Smith between dry heaves. “Sure, they gave us free food, but you can only stuff so much Dick’s in your mouth before you—blaargh—oh, God, I’ve become one of them! No! … bleuurk.”
With the sheer number of HR complaints racking up, the matter eventually caught the attention of upper management.
“Unfortunately, I’m sorry to announce that we’ll need to raise the prices of a Dick’s Deluxe by two cents to re-hire staff and address the remaining complaint backlog,” said Jim Spady, CEO of Dick’s Drive-In. “I just don’t see any other way, I’m afraid. But rest assured anything not spent on our HR woes will go towards a 401(k), employer-paid medical insurance, a college tuition scholarship, and hell, we’ll throw in a free chocolate shake too.”
In light of the company’s recent HR woes, Spady said it’s probably best to cancel their new line of peanut butter milkshakes, Dick’s Thick Salty Nut Deluxe.
