Half of America Celebrates Independence Day by Moving to Canada
Millions of Americans celebrated Independence Day today by patriotically packing everything they own up and moving out to live on their own in Canada.
“You babies all think you’re so independent blowing up fireworks when...
Uber Promises Big Tip If Sara Nelson Delivers Their Agenda On Time
With a vote on the rollback of the gig worker minimum wage bill expected as soon as next week, Uber is reportedly offering to leave a generous tip if Seattle City Council President Sara...
President Biden Visits Seattle to Fundraise, Beat the Shit Out of Macklemore
President Joe Biden arrived in Seattle Friday afternoon with a busy weekend itinerary that reportedly includes a campaign stop, several fundraisers, and challenging Macklemore to a fistfight in retaliation for his Palestine liberation protest...
Sound Transit Closes UW Station to Protect Public from Exercising, Witnessing Free Speech
Out of an abundance of caution, today Sound Transit suddenly closed its University of Washington Station to ensure the public was safely protected from using or witnessing grown American adults exercise their First Amendment...
North Bend Zebra Just Gonna Lie Low with Sasquatch Until This All Blows Over
After a stressful few days of being chased and mobbed by local paparazzi, today the North Bend Zebra is reportedly lying low in a rustic forest area retreat with Sasquatch until this all blows...
Congress Rushes to Draft Emergency Legislation on Israel-Palestine War to Ban Macklemore
Afraid support for Israel’s relentless assaults on Palestine could further wane without taking quick action, Congress is reportedly rushing to draft bipartisan emergency legislation that would once and for all ban Macklemore.
“We banned TikTok...
‘You Didn’t See Shit,’ Local Says to California Tourist Witnessing Sunny Seattle Spring
As locals basked in sunshine utterly surrounded by greenery, flowers, sparkling waters, and unbeatable snow-capped mountain views almost too beautiful together to be true, one visitor from California witnessing Seattle’s alleged secret spring was...
Chihuly Garden and Glass Shatters Museum Ceiling in Celebration of Women’s History Month
In an unforgettable show of solidarity, today Chihuly Garden and Glass ended its Women’s History Month festivities with a bang by literally shattering its own glass ceiling.
“When we told you we’d be blowing the...
SoDo Costco Adds Second Gas Station Across Parking Lot for Members Who Empty Tanks Circling for a Parking Spot
Today the SoDo Costco officially opened a second gas station on the other end of its parking lot to help out customers who keep emptying their tanks while looking for a parking spot.
“The days...
Biden Vows That Things in Gaza Would Be Different If He Was President
President Joe Biden finally took a tough stance on the continuing atrocities being committed in Gaza today, vowing that things would be very different if he was President of the United States.
“I don’t know...
