Mariners Reportedly Almost Reeled in Ohtani with $200,000, Unlimited Supply of Pike Place Market Fish
Although they ultimately lost out the bidding wars for the most desired baseball player in the world over the weekend to the Los Angeles...
Seattle Mariners Announce You Are Playing Outfield Next Season in Latest Cost-Saving Move
Despite bragging about being the most profitable team in baseball just last year, today the Seattle Mariners have announced that you will be playing...
Climate Pledge Arena to Offer Hot Dog, Small Drink and Kick in the Throat for Only $49.99
Striving to “go deeper” in celebrating the Seattle Kraken’s first home game this fall, today Climate Pledge Arena revealed it will be offering game...
Julio Rodriguez Disappointed to Learn He Can’t Bring Home Run Trident on Roller Coaster
Mariners All-Star Julio Rodriguez was reportedly disappointed today when he was turned away from a Washington State Fair roller coaster after being told he...
Shoplifting, JumpStart Tax, Misdemeanor Drug Use Force Mariners to Miss MLB Playoffs
Despite high hopes for consecutive years in the playoffs, the Seattle Mariners confirmed Saturday night they would not be making the MLB post-season this...
Marshawn Lynch Formally Passes on “Beastquake” Sash and Crown to Taylor Swift
After days of turmoil and debate over whose fans seismologically shook the home of the Seahawks harder, today former running back Marshawn Lynch formally...
Chaotic College Football Conference Shuffle Somehow Lands Wazzu in MLS
Following a chaotic dismantling of the Pac-12 that saw UW and Oregon join the Big Ten, a scrambling WSU administration was shocked to learn...
Mayor Harrell Still Waiting for ESPN Commentators to Talk About His Complete Sweep of Seattle’s Homeless
Hopeful national sports media won’t overlook how he used his ageless skillset as a high school jock to complete sweeps of Seattle’s homeless at...
Pigeon Finally Avenges Father After Dropping Baseball on Randy Johnson
Following an infamous 2001 incident in which former Mariner pitcher Randy Johnson exploded a pigeon with a fastball during a Spring Training game, the...
Bark at the Park Night Game Postponed After 9,000 Dogs Run on Field to Chase Baseball
Chaos erupted at T-Mobile Park tonight, postponing the Mariners’ sold-out ‘Bark at the Park’ game, after a flurry of furry four-legged friends rushed the...
