Mariners Reportedly Almost Reeled in Ohtani with $200,000, Unlimited Supply of Pike Place Market Fish
Although they ultimately lost out the bidding wars for the most desired baseball player in the world over the weekend to the Los Angeles Dodgers’ history-making $700 million contract, today sources report the Mariners...
Seattle Mariners Announce You Are Playing Outfield Next Season in Latest Cost-Saving Move
Despite bragging about being the most profitable team in baseball just last year, today the Seattle Mariners have announced that you will be playing outfield next season in their latest cost-saving move following recent...
Climate Pledge Arena to Offer Hot Dog, Small Drink and Kick in the Throat for Only $49.99
Striving to “go deeper” in celebrating the Seattle Kraken’s first home game this fall, today Climate Pledge Arena revealed it will be offering game ticketholders a hot dog, small drink and kick in the...
Julio Rodriguez Disappointed to Learn He Can’t Bring Home Run Trident on Roller Coaster
Mariners All-Star Julio Rodriguez was reportedly disappointed today when he was turned away from a Washington State Fair roller coaster after being told he couldn’t bring the Home Run Trident on the ride.
“Oh come...
Shoplifting, JumpStart Tax, Misdemeanor Drug Use Force Mariners to Miss MLB Playoffs
Despite high hopes for consecutive years in the playoffs, the Seattle Mariners confirmed Saturday night they would not be making the MLB post-season this year due to retail shoplifting, the JumpStart Tax and public...
Marshawn Lynch Formally Passes on “Beastquake” Sash and Crown to Taylor Swift
After days of turmoil and debate over whose fans seismologically shook the home of the Seahawks harder, today former running back Marshawn Lynch formally passed on his “Beastquake” sash and crown to Taylor Swift.
“I’m...
Chaotic College Football Conference Shuffle Somehow Lands Wazzu in MLS
Following a chaotic dismantling of the Pac-12 that saw UW and Oregon join the Big Ten, a scrambling WSU administration was shocked to learn today that they had accidentally signed a deal that landed...
Mayor Harrell Still Waiting for ESPN Commentators to Talk About His Complete Sweep of Seattle’s Homeless
Hopeful national sports media won’t overlook how he used his ageless skillset as a high school jock to complete sweeps of Seattle’s homeless at SoDo and Pioneer Square this month, Mayor Bruce Harrell is...
Pigeon Finally Avenges Father After Dropping Baseball on Randy Johnson
Following an infamous 2001 incident in which former Mariner pitcher Randy Johnson exploded a pigeon with a fastball during a Spring Training game, the pigeon's son has reportedly flown out of the shadows today...
Bark at the Park Night Game Postponed After 9,000 Dogs Run on Field to Chase Baseball
Chaos erupted at T-Mobile Park tonight, postponing the Mariners’ sold-out ‘Bark at the Park’ game, after a flurry of furry four-legged friends rushed the field to chase after the baseball.
“I don’t know how we...
