Uncommitted Delegates Announce They Want to Settle Down, Just Haven’t Met Right Candidate Yet
After being slandered for a week in the media for being nothing but a bunch of promiscuous political players who can’t commit to anyone,...
Boeing Stock Rebounds After Front Half of 737 MAX Lands Safely
After countless potentially deadly mechanical issues tanked the once stellar safety reputation of the nation’s only commercial airplane manufacturer, this morning Boeing stocks finally...
CDC Replaces At-Home Testing with Sneezing into Someone’s Face, Seeing If They Get Sick
After months of asking for a more updated and reliable way of testing whether they’re infected with the latest variant of Covid, this morning...
Boeing ‘Protecting Its Peace’ by Taking Little Break from Social Media
After the FAA posted a scathing report online today about Boeing’s corporate culture and its disastrous effect on the safety of its planes, the...
I Have a Black Friend and 5 Other Reasons What’s Happening in Palestine Isn’t Genocide
A lot of people have been saying what’s happening in Palestine, particularly Gaza, is undoubtedly a genocide. But there’s no way that’s possible, actually,...
Local Ceasefire Advocates’ Empathy for Dying Children Waning as Russia, China Delay Payment for Supporting Palestine
With rent due in just a few days, local ceasefire advocates say their empathy is running thin for thousands of children dying in the...
‘And What Are You Gonna Do About It?’ Pelosi Tells Young Voters As She Orders FBI to Take Away Their Pokémon Cards
In a move many suspect may be an unproductive way to get President Joe Biden re-elected, today Rep. Nancy Pelosi ordered the FBI to...
Israel Accidentally Convinces PETA to Support Ceasefire After Repeatedly Calling Palestinians Animals
After months of PETA voicing no support for ending the ruthless killing of more than 20,000 human civilians in Palestine, today the organization suddenly...
What It Means When Punxsutawney Phil Looks Stoned Out of His Mind
Most years, the future-predicting body language of the world’s favorite groundhog says something pretty straightforward every February 2: Are we gonna have six more...
Team of Male Scientists Discover Moisturizer Also Good for Moisturizing
Lauded as the most exciting scientific discovery of the decade, an all-male material sciences lab has announced Jergens Daily Moisturizer for Dry Hands can...
