Report: Grinch’s Heart Actually Enlarged from Cocaine Use
Contrary to hopes that the Grinch’s heart grew three sizes today due to an expanded ability to love others, a report has just confirmed...
San Andreas Earthquake Welcome to Launch West Coast Off to Sea Anytime Now
Following a prolonged vote-counting process that threatens to drag on for what little remains of our doomed lives after Donald Trump’s probably successful bid...
McDonald’s Employee Can’t Wait to Spend $60k Bounty on Overnight Stay at Hospital
Speaking on the condition of anonymity, today the brave minimum-wage worker at McDonald’s who led police to the man suspected of killing UnitedHealthcare CEO...
Trump Declares Black Friday Is Indian and Always Has Been
In a bold move just in time for the holiday shopping season, today President-Elect Donald Trump announced that Black Friday has always been Indian,...
Pardoned Turkey Looks an Awful Lot Like Hunter Biden
As reporters, White House staff and live online streamers gathered for President Joe Biden’s last turkey pardoning ceremony today, many could not help but...
‘Why Are You Being So Divisive?’ Asks Man Doing Everything in His Power to Hurt You and Everyone You Love
One local man was left confused today after his belligerent quest to hurt you and everyone you love was being met with such political...
RFK Jr. Vows to Ban Fluoride in Water, Add Lead
Today Secretary of Health and Human Services nominee Robert F. Kennedy Jr. announced his intention to finally ban fluoride in the nation's water supply...
We Sat Down with Rep. Matt Gaetz and He Just Kept Asking Us When the Wendy’s Mascot Was Gonna Turn Legal
At The Needling, we pride ourselves on fair and balanced real fake news reporting, and sometimes that means reaching across the aisle for another...
JD Vance Relieved He Won’t Have Access to Oval Office Furniture Until After No Nut November
Incoming Vice President JD Vance quietly expressed his relief today that he wouldn’t suffer the temptation of Oval Office furniture until after No Nut...
Citing Bone Spurs, Trump Vows to Eliminate Veterans Day
After realizing he had at least four more years of Veterans Days events walking around and caring about anyone but himself, today President-elect Donald...
