We Sat Down with Rep. Matt Gaetz and He Just Kept Asking Us When the Wendy’s Mascot Was Gonna Turn Legal
At The Needling, we pride ourselves on fair and balanced real fake news reporting, and sometimes that means reaching across the aisle for another perspective. This week, President-elect Donald Trump’s pick for U.S. Attorney...
JD Vance Relieved He Won’t Have Access to Oval Office Furniture Until After No Nut November
Incoming Vice President JD Vance quietly expressed his relief today that he wouldn’t suffer the temptation of Oval Office furniture until after No Nut November.
“The pillowy embrace of the Oval Office sofa, the sturdy...
Citing Bone Spurs, Trump Vows to Eliminate Veterans Day
After realizing he had at least four more years of Veterans Days events walking around and caring about anyone but himself, today President-elect Donald Trump announced he’d be canceling future Veterans Days citing bone...
‘See, We Concede with Class,’ Says Liberal Shitting on Latinos Online All Day
After a brutal presidential election loss Tuesday, this week one liberal shitting on Latinos online harder and longer than anyone ever shit on Nancy Pelosi’s desk celebrated the silver lining that at least Democrats...
Report: Chasing Approval of Total Dick Still Bad Idea
A groundbreaking report out today sent shockwaves throughout the will never learn their damn lesson community after it conclusively confirmed that chasing for approval from a total Capitol-D Dick is still a bad idea.
“We’re...
Aw! These Local Politicians Commented on Israel Killing an American from Seattle So the President Didn’t Have To
In a touching display of devotion toward one of the undeniably best presidents the United States has ever had, today local Washington state politicians came together to make public comments about Israel shooting Aysenur...
Portrait in Jimmy Carter’s Attic Looking Hella Good
Suspicions triggered every time the public sees current photos of President Jimmy Carter were confirmed today when historians found an old portrait of the 100-year-old statesman in his attic looking hella snatched.
“Despite a Dorian...
First President to Honor Indigenous Peoples’ Day Treats Self to a Little Genocide
In honor of being the first United States president to comemmorate Indigenous Peoples' Day, today President Joe Biden treated himself to a little genocide.
“I’ve been a trailblazer these last four years, which included me...
Boeing Assures Public Blue Angels Are Safe Because They’re Made for the Military, Not You People
After spending the first half of the year obliterating the public’s confidence in their ability to safely assemble planes and spaceships, today Boeing assured everyone that the Blue Angels they built are safe because...
Report: RFK Jr. Dropped Out of Presidential Race to Focus on Longtime Feud With Sasquatch
After several rumors circulated about what Robert F. Kennedy Jr. was going to do with his spare time after dropping out last week, today a new report reveals he’s made the decision to revive...
