GOP Considers Allowing Women to Vote by Male
Although national Republican leadership are against expanding vote-by-mail access that could reduce virus transmission while increasing participation in this November’s presidential election, all announced today their support for an alternative vote-by-male system.
“We, too, can...
Defiant Elmo Storms Sesame Street City Hall Demanding Right to Be Tickled
The peaceful neighborhood of Sesame Street erupted into chaos today as popular muppet Elmo led an anti-lockdown protest to the steps of City Hall demanding that the neighborhood’s Tickle Parlors be reopened to the...
Mike Pence Quietly Asks FDA to Remove ‘Obscene Little Buttholes’ from Oranges
Amid chaotic crisis planning to
mitigate a global pandemic, Vice President Mike Pence has reportedly also found
the time to quietly ask the FDA to remove the ‘obscene little buttholes’ found
on common navel oranges.
“How am I...
Fox News Insists Sacrificing Easter Bunny May Be Necessary to Save Economy
With Easter looming and no end to the Coronavirus pandemic in sight, Fox News political pundits have begun to surmise that a sacrifice of the holiday’s famed Easter Bunny might be necessary to keep...
‘Get Back Here, You Twerp’ Screams Klobuchar, Chasing Shrieking Buttigieg Around Debate Stage
The latest Democratic debate in South Carolina Tuesday night quickly went off the rails as bickering between Senator Amy Klobuchar and Mayor Pete Buttigieg escalated into an all out cat-and-mouse chase across the stage....
Joe Biden Vows to Bring Troops Home from Vietnam, Work with Soviets on Détente
Wilmington, Delaware – In a statement livestreamed from the depths of his basement office, Joe Biden vowed today to unite both progressive and moderate wings of the Democratic Party with what many are considering...
At First We Thought Bloomberg Was Just Another Racist Billionaire, But Then He Gave Us Money
We here at The Needling knew our first political endorsement
during our Decide for Me 2020 coverage would be kind of a big deal. As
Seattle’s only real fake news, we know our credibility is everything...
Trump Supporter Tests Positive for Deadly Democratic Hoax
After days of suffering a fever, cough and chest tightness
worrisome enough to warrant hospitalization, doctors have confirmed local Trump
supporter Craig Duncan, 45, has tested positive for a completely fabricated Democratic
hoax.
“I gotta hand it...
Mucinex Booger Awarded Presidential Medal of Freedom
With bated breath to avoid airborne infection, audiences watched
with awe as President Donald Trump awarded another Presidential Medal of
Freedom today to the legendary Mucinex Booger.
“They called you a disgusting disease dedicated to making...
OSHA Announces Mistletoe Buyback Program in Exchange for Sexual Harassment Training
Recognizing the hazards of mistletoe in office settings, OSHA has formed a special task force for a no-questions-asked buyback program to get this dangerous substance off the streets and into the compost where it...
