Man Utterly Traumatized by 2020 Just Gonna Pick Up ThunderShirt for Self Too
While picking up an anxiety-reducing ThunderShirt for his dog ahead of tonight’s neighborhood firework displays, a local man utterly traumatized by 2020 decided he better just get one for himself to wear while trembling...
Police Union Demands Everyone Treat Them as Hot, Likable as Firefighters
In an afternoon press conference, Seattle Police Union President Mike Solan said his force will no longer stand for the “unfair and inequitable” worship of firefighters simply because they tend to be infinitely more...
Woman Handed Copy of White Fragility Instantly Shatters
A neighborhood is in shock tonight after witnessing a White Ballard woman instantly fall to literal pieces when a neighbor suddenly handed her a copy of Robin DiAngelo’s book White Fragility.
“I didn’t mean to...
State Approved to Enter Phase Fuck It
After almost four months of stay-at-home orders amid this year’s deadly coronavirus pandemic, local residents say Washington State has finally been approved for Phase Fuck It.
“That’s not what I said, guys--don’t make me ground...
Fremont Solstice Partners with Peloton for Naked Exercise Bike Ride
Seattle’s famed Fremont Solstice Parade held this year’s naked, at-home bike ride in partnership with popular exercise bike company Peloton today, a move that left many past participants including its organizers wondering if the...
Seafair Unfortunately Still on for 2021
This year’s Seafair festival has been officially cancelled due to the COVID-19 pandemic, but it’s not all good news: The Seafair foundation does not currently have plans to cancel Seafair 2021, Seafair 2022, or...
Stimulus Payments Delayed As Trump Demands Publishers Clearing House Deliver Each on 3-Foot-Wide Checks
Today the IRS informed Americans still waiting for their stimulus payments that their delivery had been delayed again while President Donald Trump arranges for each 3-foot-wide posterboard check to be hand-delivered by a Publishers...
Trump Warns Seattle Protesters Just Lucky His Nunchucks Busted or They’d Be in Big Trouble
President Donald Trump took a momentary pause from cowering in his bunker today to issue a stern message to Seattle's Capitol Hill Autonomous Zone (CHAZ) occupants, tweeting that its “violent thugs” were just fortunate...
Mayor Durkan Assures No Tear Gas Deployed, Only Sparkling Nose Irritants
A mere 24 hours after Mayor Jenny Durkan declared a 30-day ban on the use of tear gas, the Mayor’s Office assured the people of Seattle that the gas deployed at yesterday’s Black Lives...
West Seattle Achieves Permanent Social Distancing
While the sudden and indefinite closure of the fractured West Seattle Bridge has come as a blow to many, West Seattle residents who’ve voluntarily lived on the fringes of Emerald City society for ages...
