After weeks of fending off the inevitable, Capitol Hill pet owner Beth Stalworth announced tonight that her cat is now the only ornament left on her tree.
“We did our best to protect our apartment’s little holiday sanctuary by placing our most fragile Christmas sloth, quokka and hedgehog ornaments at the top of the tree. Alas, the last of them has fallen and now only our cat hanging from the top branches like a first-time rock climber trying to impress a Tinder date at Stone Gardens remains,” said Stalworth. “Tonight we formally concede our interior arboreal territory to our tabby, Purnesto ‘Che’ Meovara.”
Though a difficult decision, experts agree that the only way to handle such situations is to surrender autonomy over the home you pay for to your furry, feline hellspawn.
“You have only one ornament on your tree – so what? What’s most important is that your cat has now eliminated all other items in the apartment distracting you from how great they are,” said Filbert Correa, Feline Behavioral Psychologist. “And now with little Purnesto perched at the top of the tree, you basically have the sort of shrine dedicated to him that he’s always demanded you make for him in the first place.”
At press time, the only ornament left on the tree was adorably pawing at some tinsel.
