Federal Officers Deployed After Radicalized Mom Cell Discovered in Joann Fabrics
Following a night of courageously teargassing Portland’s peaceful Wall of Moms, federal officers have now arrived in Seattle to thwart another cabal of similarly radicalized mothers based out of a Ballard Joann Fabrics.
“We’re...
Endangered Robosaurus Population Returns to Empty Tacoma Dome, Puyallup Fairgrounds
As the ongoing pandemic has kept most residents in the safety of their own homes, local animal populations continue to reclaim native habitats including the nearly extinct Robosaurus at the empty Tacoma Dome and...
Officer Just Likes to Watch
While many of its police officers have been accused of excessive force and a wanton disregard for the right to peacefully protest, the Seattle Police Department is commending the integrity of one longtime good...
Local Man Assumed He’d Have Couple More Phases to Work on Summer Bod
After months of eating junk and binge-watching Netflix on his couch, one doughy local man says he’s been blindsided by the sudden and simultaneous emergence of summer and Phase 2 reopening.
“When Inslee declared Phase...
Mega Yacht in Elliott Bay Sure Sign Some Fucked Up Rich Guy Shit Going Down
A glamorous mega-yacht has made a surprise appearance in Elliott Bay overnight, leaving curious Seattle residents and local reporters to speculate what kind of truly fucked up rich guy shit will be going down...
Local Woman Starting to Miss Sweet Summertime Caress of Office Hypothermia
Sweaty and steamy from hours of working remotely at home, one local woman says she can’t keep her thoughts from drifting to memories of last summer when the cool touch of frost bite nearly...
Gentrifiers Form ‘Capitol Hill Economic Zone’ (CHEZ)
After hearing that the City of Seattle would like police to return to its East Precinct and begin dismantling the Capitol Hill Occupied Protest (CHOP), gentrifiers assured everyone the formerly autonomous area will now...
Cliff Mass Puzzled Weather Radar Did Not Forecast Overnight Shitstorm
Longtime Seattle meteorologist Cliff Mass said he was utterly astounded that his trusty weather radar did not pick up on an obvious incoming shitstorm that hit the same night his blog’s local forecast compared...
Good News Permanently Petrifies Local Woman’s Face Into Suspicious Squint
A local woman’s facial expression seems to be permanently locked into a suspicious squint after witnessing what appears to be, by all accounts, a rare sighting of actual good news.
This morning’s unexpectedly positive U.S....
Durkan Reminds City to Keep Washing Hands of Responsibility to End Police Brutality
As cases of police brutality against people of color, media and legal observers continue to spike nationally, today Mayor Jenny Durkan reminded Seattle residents of the dire need to thoroughly wash their hands of...
