Seattle Excuses Self While it Kisses, Makes Sweet Love to Sky
Following two solid weeks of being socked in by hazardous wildfire smoke, everyone in Seattle has reportedly excused themselves to kiss and make sweet, sweet, love to the clear-aired sky.
“This patch of blue sky’s...
Jeff Bezos Steps Down as Amazon CEO to Spend More Quality Time with Subterranean Sea of Gold Coins
Pressed for more details on what he would be spending his free time on after stepping down as CEO later this year, Amazon founder Jeff Bezos admitted what he really plans to do is...
Man Can’t Believe Buy Nothing Group Not Pouncing on Half-Eaten Box of Waffles
A Ballard man has been left in disbelief today after not even a single member of his local Buy Nothing group showed interest in his generous offer of a half-eaten box of waffles.
“I just...
Spokane Sheriff Blames ‘Kabal of Webster’s Dickshunary’ for Misspelling ‘Washington’ in Times Square Ad
Today the Spokane County Sheriff’s Office blamed the misspelling of their home state as “Washinton” in its giant Times Square police recruitment ads on an undermining and elitist society of leftist grammar Nazis known...
Starbucks Celebrates Women’s History Month by Releasing Mermaid Back into Puget Sound
In a bold and unexpected move for the global coffee empire, Starbucks celebrated Women’s History Month today by finally releasing its iconic mermaid mascot from captivity back into Puget Sound.
“From the glass ceiling to...
‘Oooo, Someone’s Having a Campfire!’ Says Seattle Optimist
In a stunningly rare display of local optimism, one excited Seattle resident is wondering who is having a “cozy little campfire” tonight.
“Oh my gosh, I LOVE campfires—do you think it’s one of those cute...
Seattle Times Removes Dilbert Comic; Gives Him Op-Ed Column
Following a racist tirade by Dilbert creator Scott Adams, The Seattle Times announced this week that it would be removing the Dilbert comic from its pages effective immediately and instead grant the character a...
New Study Finds Burien Just Fictional Place We All Imagined in Collective Fever Dream
King County residents were shocked today after a new study revealed that despite being slightly aware that a place called “Burien” exists, it was in fact just a fictional place we all collectively imagined...
Tower erected above Amazon Spheres set to ejaculate Prime Air drones
The anticipated expansion of Amazon’s empire came to a head this morning when the company announced the tower erected above its Spheres is now ready to ejaculate PrimeAir drones.
“We’re coming,” said Amazon CEO Jeff...
Remote Worker Still Not Remotely Aware She Lives in Igloo Now
Friends of Greenwood remote worker Hannah Ricks are reporting that she seems to be completely unaware that she lives in an igloo now.
“I love working from home,” said Ricks Monday night. “Instead of...
