Tim Eyman Slips in Initiative Declaring He ‘Does Not Look Like an Ancient Harvest Idol Carved from a Rotten Turnip’
It’s election season in Seattle, and that can only mean one thing:
A bulbous ballot stuffed with Tim Eyman-authored initiatives designed to skirt
any concern for the general well-being of the community. But this time Eyman
managed...
Raccoon Elder Council Recommends Washing Food for 20 Seconds with Weird Little Hands
Unable to resist the allure of a hand-washing related hygiene crisis, the Raccoon Elders Council emerged from their reclusive oak hollows and abandoned burrows today to discuss the disease plaguing their human neighbors and...
Police Union Demands Everyone Treat Them as Hot, Likable as Firefighters
In an afternoon press conference, Seattle Police Union President Mike Solan said his force will no longer stand for the “unfair and inequitable” worship of firefighters simply because they tend to be infinitely more...
‘No, But We’re Really Strict with Our Pod,’ Says Woman in Six Pods
Having her pod of seven friends and their children over for Thanksgiving during the deadliest phase of the pandemic to date won’t be anything for themselves and the general public to worry about, confirmed...
The Needling Launches NFT Digital Subscription for Only $1.99M a Month
Acquiescing to persistent requests from countless blockchain overlords, today The Needling became a pioneer in the online news industry by launching a new NFT subscription for only $1.99 million a month.
The unique NFT (non-fungible...
Seattle Finally Concedes Portland is the Better PNW City for Newcomers to Move to
The City of Seattle put years of debate to rest today when it finally and officially conceded that Portland is definitely the better major Pacific Northwest city for thousands of people across the nation,...
SPD Sweeps Homeless Encampment
Seattle police reclaimed another green space tonight, sweeping an encampment that had sprouted up on the lawn of Capitol Hill’s Central Lutheran Church.
“We had performed exhaustive outreach to the unhoused living in the encampment,...
New Gerrymandered Maps Somehow Puts Pike Place Market in Bellevue
Following a series of heavily gerrymandered maps sweeping the country, a new proposed King County map would somehow place Pike Place Market within the Bellevue city limits.
“Gerrymandering has traditionally been a tool for political...
Why I Refuse to Use Public Transit Unless It Looks Like the Cute Trolley from Mister Rogers
Look, I’m all for reducing car usage and our carbon footprint by using public transit to help save the environment and slow the advance of a climate change apocalypse. But I absolutely refuse to...
Mayor Harrell Begs May Day Protesters to Come Back to Downtown
Shocking business leaders and, more importantly, key reelection donors, Seattle Mayor Bruce Harrell made a desperate plea to May Day protestors this morning: Please come back to Downtown.
“Whose streets? Your streets,” Harrell said, echoing...
