Seattle Excuses Self While it Kisses, Makes Sweet Love to Sky
Following two solid weeks of being socked in by hazardous wildfire smoke, everyone in Seattle has reportedly excused themselves to kiss and make sweet, sweet, love to the clear-aired sky.
“This patch of blue sky’s...
Local Woman Just Thinks Flaming Forest Could Find More Peaceful Way to Protest Climate Change
Although she totally believes global warming is an immediate existential threat to many, local woman Sherry Hayes said she thinks forests could protest climate change a little more peacefully by not being so incinerated...
Early Voter Excited to Drop Off Ballot, Wait in Existential Dread for Next 3 Weeks
Upon excitedly dropping off her ballot today, local early voter Maria Lopez says she’s now thrilled to spend at least the next three weeks waiting for election results in a mind-numbing existential dread.
“After patiently...
SPD Protects East Precinct from Terrifying Justice Reforms with New Shark-Infested Moat
Terrified even a modicum of lasting institutional reform might creep into the East Precinct on Capitol Hill, the Seattle Police Department spent the weekend barricading it off with a man-eating shark-infested moat.
“There’s been a...
UW Frats Mandate Beer Bongs Must Be at Least 6 Feet Long
Following its second outbreak that now includes more than 200 students, University of Washington fraternities announced that from now on they will be mandating all beer bongs be at least six feet long.
“We take...
Local Idiot Thought Presidential Debate Would be Perfect Way to End Gorgeous Autumn Day
To cap a day of golden sunshine and clear blue skies so glorious it may have beat the best weather days of spring and summer this year, local idiot Ericka Wentworth reportedly thought watching...
Postmaster General Removes Mailbox Peak
Following orders from President Donald Trump to do anything necessary to sabotage mail-in voting operations for the presidential election this November, newly appointed United States Postmaster General Louis DeJoy ordered the removal of several...
Plume of White Tear Gas Rising from City Hall Signals New Police Chief Has Been Chosen
Within 24 hours of the Seattle City Council defunding the local police budget and Police Chief Carmen Best's resignation, a plume of white tear gas emerging from a tiny chimney atop City Hall is...
Model Citizen Stakes Out Ballot Drop to Inform Stragglers He Voted Weeks Ago
August primary voters rushing to turn in their ballots at a Wallingford drop box at the last minute were aided tonight by local Good Samaritan Chester Hines, who let them all know he got...
Parents Insist It’s Really, Totally Fine Son Chose Evergreen Over UW
In a highly anticipated family Zoom call tonight, local Seattle parents Sam and Bev Mosely insisted it’s actually absolutely fine their son Dan is choosing to attend Evergreen State College this fall over the...
