Local Idiot Thought Presidential Debate Would be Perfect Way to End Gorgeous Autumn Day
To cap a day of golden sunshine and clear blue skies so glorious it may have beat the best weather days of spring and summer this year, local idiot Ericka Wentworth reportedly thought watching...
Seattle Native Succumbs to Violent Stab Wounds
Mourners gathered today at a Downtown makeshift memorial to honor the life and legacy of Dr. Walter Jensen, a local ophthalmologist and pillar of the community who was repeatedly stabbed in the face by...
New Drop-in Center for Unhoused Built Entirely from Stacks of Paperwork and Red Tape
Although there are no plans for expanding or expediting access to shelter for people living on Seattle’s streets, today Mayor Bruce Harrell announced the opening of a new drop-in resource center for the city’s...
Bellingham Changes Name to West Moses Lake in Hail Mary Attempt to Deter Transplants
Citing a drastic need to discourage transplants, Bellingham has officially changed its name to West Moses Lake in a last-ditch effort to further deter the influx of over 357,000 new residents daily.
“We wanted to...
Ballard Resident Almost Gets Through Filling Out Local Primary Ballot without Using Vomit Bucket
Today one Ballard resident almost became the Evel Knievel of local primary voting when he almost got through filling out his entire ballot without vomiting.
“I thought I had mentally and physically prepared myself enough...
Strike Imminent as Seattle Public Schools Requires All Returning Teachers to Wear Pants
After already sparring earlier this year over how and when to return to in-person learning, another teachers’ strike against Seattle Public Schools seems imminent as they balk at the district’s requirement that all staff...
How to Cope with Your Local Police Department Being Defunded After It Was Never Defunded
There’s no doubt we’re living in dangerous times. And why? Pandemic? Putin? Unprecedented corporate profiteering? All of those are minor compared to the real cause, at least here in Seattle: The drastic defunding of...
Union Scores Victory Over Confederated Starbucks of America at Battle of Roastery Ridge
Forces of the First Flagship Bean Battalion are still rejoicing today after claiming a Union victory at the Capitol Hill Battle of Roastery Ridge over the Confederate Starbucks of America say they’re looking to...
Spoiled Brat Riding Out Rest of 2020 in Womb
While the entire world collectively suffered the wrath of 2020, one spoiled unborn brat is reportedly on track for sparing himself the misery of the worst year in memory by deciding not to arrive...
Last Chance to Say Goodbye: WSDOT Holds Final Viaduct Car Jump This Weekend
The time has finally come: This weekend is your last chance to car-jump the expanse between the yet-to-be-demolished remnants of the Alaskan Way Viaduct.
If you haven’t already registered for a spot on this...
