Blood-soaked Mansion with Loose Murderer Inside Still Going for $900k on Zillow
Despite home prices reportedly going down after a housing market surge in which many million-dollar homes were bought with cash offers, one blood-soaked Seattle mansion with a loose, active murderer running around inside—rusty chainsaw...
Brave! Local Woman Says Murdering Children Is Bad
Today one local woman courageously spoke out on social media to announce her controversial political stance that slaughtering children is bad.
“I know I’m probably gonna lose a lot of social media followers over this,...
Conservative Seattle Blogger Enters 14th Year of Threatening to Leave Crime-Ridden Hellhole Forever
Following a traumatic encounter in which a sidewalk tent crossed into his line of sight, a conservative Seattle-based blogger declared today that he’s just about ready to make good on his threat to move...
Green Jacket Lady from Fox News Interview Already Leading in Polls for Seattle’s Next Mayoral Election
Green Jacket Lady from Fox News Interview surged in Seattle mayoral polls today, already taking a gigantic 25-point lead ahead of current Seattle Mayor Bruce Harrell.
“A sensible green rain-jacket and mocking Fox reporters so...
Cramped, Overpriced Corporate Store with No Parking or Anything On Your Shopping List Shutting Down Due to Safety Concerns
Bad news hit Seattle today when it learned two locations of a corporate chain that were always both more expensive and a pain-in-the-ass to shop at in Ballard and U-District will be shutting down...
Sara Nelson Assures Council Extra Jail Space for Illegal Drug Users Always Exists In Her Backyard Shroom Hallucinations
Faced with questions about how it’s even physically and financially possible to jail more people arrested for illegal drug use while the King County Jail is already bursting at the seams, Seattle City Councilmember...
Sound Transit Announces They Really Don’t Want You to Take the Train Anymore
After weeks of reduced service without a schedule on Link Light Rail, years without real-time arrivals on platforms, and massive delays on system expansion, today the Sound Transit Board cut to the chase and...
Chief Diaz Informs City They Didn’t Have to Believe He Doesn’t Have Side-Chick on Payroll So Fast
While somewhat thankful the entire city instantly believed him when he said that reports he hired a romantic affair partner to be a close coworker were false, today Seattle Police Department Chief Adrian Diaz...
Former SPD Chief Carmen Best’s Team at Microsoft Launches Text Deleter 365
A year and a half after being named Microsoft’s Director of Global Security Risk Operations, today Carmen Best—former Seattle Police Chief during 2020 protests and subsequent East Precinct abandonment—finally announced her team’s highly anticipated...
SPD Warns that Without More Funding It May Not Be Able to Afford Killing As Many Innocent People Next Year
Today the Seattle Police Officers Guild issued a dire warning to the city that, without significantly more funding, it may not be able to afford recklessly killing as many of its innocent residents like...
