Today the Seattle Police Officers Guild issued a dire warning to the city that, without significantly more funding, it may not be able to afford recklessly killing as many of its innocent residents like 23-year-old college student Jaahnavi Kandula next year.
“Sure, this year we might make it because—as was actually said in the bodycam footage going viral this week of me laughing with my second in command at The Guild about a pedestrian killed by a fellow officer ‘Yeah, just write a check. Yeah, $11,000. She was 26 anyway, she had limited value,’” said SPOG President and obvious sociopath Mike Solan. “But what happens next year if one of our officers entitled to play with cars and guns like toys wherever and whenever they want accidentally kills someone more expensive than that and eats up our entire taxpayer-funded murder budget for the year in one fell swoop? We’re gonna try to stay within our budget by only killing several people of ‘limited value’ who are Jaahnavi’s age and younger or at least her skin color, but probably not enough to make the city feel as safe and protected as it wants to be.”
SPD says the lack of funding for the annual random police killing fund has already taken a toll on officers’ morale.
“Look, the entire reason most of us wanted to become police officers was to go vroom vroom and boom boom whenever we want without consequence or feeling an iota of human empathy,” said SPOG Vice President Daniel Auderer. “Without this funding, what are we supposed to do? Stop driving five times the speed limit without our sirens on at night to go to a medical call we’re completely not needed at? Not immediately fire our guns to execute people suffering from mental health issues the moment they don’t obey an order? Honestly, there’s nothing more tragic than the lack of respect we’re for some reason not getting any of lately.”
Although several City Council members are still mulling to what degree they’ll support funding increases for the Seattle Police Department next year, Solan said he was happy to report his birthday card today from Mayor Bruce Harrell included a generous $11,000 check.
