Seattle Drivers Celebrate World Bicycle Day by Offering One-Day Ceasefire on Ballard Bridge
In honor of World Bicycle Day today, Seattle car drivers graciously offered a one-day ceasefire with bicyclists crossing the Ballard Bridge.
“Wow, while I wish it could be this way every day I ride my...
Mayor Harrell Announces Plan to Relocate Space Needle to His Cousin’s Lawyer’s Sister’s Property on Harbor Island
In a surprise press conference this afternoon, Seattle Mayor Bruce Harrell announced that he will be using an executive order and a couple close connections offering him a “pretty sweet deal” to relocate the...
Mayor Harrell Urges Everyone to Climax at the Same Time During One Seattle Day of Service
In an effort to reach the elusive pinnacle of collective harmony and union he’s promised the city ever since running for office, today Mayor Bruce Harrell urged everyone participating in his One Seattle Day...
New Study Shows Cherry Trees Produce Up to 8 Million Blossoms, And Every Goddamn One Of Them Will End Up On Your Fucking Subaru
A recent study has shown that cherry trees can produce up to 8 million blossoms and every stupid, goddamn single one of those little shits is going to end up on your fucking Subaru.
“It’s...
SPD Flooded with Bereavement Requests Following Trump Indictment
Following the announcement that former President Donald Trump is now indicted on more than 30 counts related to business fraud, the Seattle Police Department has reportedly been flooded with bereavement requests from officers too...
Local Man Just Really Fucking Hates Kirkland
Friends and family are at a loss today upon discovering that
local man Nate Solohan, without much detailed explanation, just really fucking
hates Kirkland.
“I mean, I get that the traffic there is slower than my...
Wile E. Coyote Steps Down as Sound Transit CEO After Giant Clock Falls on Northbound Tunnel
Following a catastrophic incident in which a cartoonishly large clock fell onto Westlake Station’s Northbound tunnel and indefinitely disrupted light rail service, today Sound Transit CEO Wile E. Coyote officially stepped down after taking...
The Needling Again Issues Cease-and-Desist Orders to Sudden Influx of Fake Real Fake News Outlets
We have no idea why this keeps happening every year about this time of year, but today The Needling—Seattle’s ONLY real fake news—is sad to report that it had to issue cease-and-desist orders to...
Mayor Harrell Begs May Day Protesters to Come Back to Downtown
Shocking business leaders and, more importantly, key reelection donors, Seattle Mayor Bruce Harrell made a desperate plea to May Day protestors this morning: Please come back to Downtown.
“Whose streets? Your streets,” Harrell said, echoing...
Sound Transit Text Alert Describes Godzilla Attack As ‘Minor Service Delay’
After witnessing a massive lizard monster tear tracks out of the ground and destroy stations with a fiery vengeance today, Sound Transit promptly sent out a text alert classifying the incident as a “minor...
