47,215th Flyover Picture of Mount Rainier Confirms It’s Still There
Unsure of whether the 14,411-foot volcano looming over the Seattle metro area was still there, a team of about 108 Southwest coach passengers took flight this morning to confirm that it is still, in...
Recipe for Three-Day Existential Carrot Soup
Three days to make a carrot soup may sound like a big commitment, but the tasty results and hours of contemplation about the nature of human existence are worth it. If time (which we...
Bar Patron Kicked Out for Being Unvaccinated Misses Halcyon Days of Getting Kicked Out for Being Belligerent
Shortly after Linda’s Tavern on Capitol Hill kicked him out for being unvaccinated, local bar patron Sean Upchuck says he just wishes everything could go back to normal so he could continue getting kicked...
Tofurky Petting Zoo Opens at Woodland Park Zoo
Appealing to a growing number of vegan and vegetarian families, today Woodland Park Zoo hosted its first Thanksgiving Day tofurky petting zoo to wide acclaim.
“Children across the country who eat turkey often get to...
Starbucks CEO Working Publicity Shift at Café Fucks Up Every Single Order
Starbucks CEO Laxman Narasimhan took a break from extracting value for shareholders to extract some coffee during a publicity shift at a Capitol Hill Starbucks today, where he reportedly proceeded to fuck up every...
Every Belltown Restaurant Now a Tom Douglas Restaurant
With his acquisition of the Subway at Third and Lenora, Tom Douglas has now expanded his restaurant empire to include every restaurant in Belltown.
“Subway presented by Tom Douglas will maintain that signature Subway smell...
Couple Celebrates 8th Straight Summer of Not Taking Ferry to Victoria
Tonight, a refrigerated bottle of fine Costco red wine is ready to celebrate Corey and Lisa Stottlemyre’s eighth consecutive summer of almost taking an adventurous-sounding voyage to Victoria, B.C., but then not.
“Every year I...
Smokey Bear Authorized by NPS to Maul Noncompliant Campers
Underfunded, undermanned and facing the threat of another dire wildfire season in the midst of a global pandemic, a desperate U.S. National Park Service has officially authorized its beloved Smokey Bear mascot to maul...
Dog Scientists Recommend Leaving Thanksgiving Turkey Unattended for 5 Minutes
As the nation prepares for Thanksgiving festivities, a panel of dog scientists released an official statement today recommending that you should leave the turkey completely unattended for the next five minutes while you go...
Relentless Pack of Girl Scouts Corners Man in QFC Parking Lot
A local man got more than he bargained for today when he was cornered in a QFC parking lot by a relentless pack of Girl Scouts after he attempted to elude them by slipping...
