Shortly after Linda’s Tavern on Capitol Hill kicked him out for being unvaccinated, local bar patron Sean Upchuck says he just wishes everything could go back to normal so he could continue getting kicked out of bars for simply being a giant asshole.
“I have so many good memories of getting tossed out on my ass here,” said a wistful Upchuck, whose belligerence is traditionally marked by an unpredictable combination of bullying and right-wing conspiracy theories. “Honestly, I just want to get back to the good ol’ days when security would grab me by the collar and shove me out the door so many times I’d get on that special list of people who were never allowed to enter the establishment again. These vaccinated-people-only policies are unjust segregation stripping away my right to be thrown out for who I am at the core of my being: A self-centered idiot addicted to irrational and unnecessary conflict. I just miss exercising that right so much. This whole last year the only place I’ve been able to get kicked out of over my awful personality is home.”
Upchuck, who remains unvaccinated for both personal and stupid reasons, then ventured over to Optimism Brewery only to find the same vaccinated-people-only policy.
“Optimistic my ass!” Upchuck said kicking over a trash can as bystanders got their cell phones ready for the toddler in a grown man’s body to throw a full temper tantrum. “I remember the days when you guys would let me be in there for an entire 5 minutes before I started railing on everyone about the gender-neutral bathroom again.”
When asked if he’ll reconsider vaccination, Upchuck was quick to answer.
“No, but I will get back in these bars again some day and when I do, I can’t wait to yell about critical race theory a little louder, stumble a little taller,” Upchuck said, wiping the start of a tear from his eye. “I wonder if anyone is talking about Kamala Harris in there.”
